Underneath My Shivers
by Trixie-Guest
Summary: Sometimes unthinkable acts of violence and horror befall upon innocent people, and in those times the most unlikely of relationships form. Follow Ginny as she struggles with an overwhelming secret she has kept from her family since the beginning of her summer break and into the school year.
1. When safety forms

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_**Disclaimer: Don't insult JKR. You know she didn't write it.**_

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_**Underneath my Shivers**_

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_**Ginny Weasley's Point of View**_

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_**Wrote: October 30th 2003**_

_**Revised: January 9th 2008**_

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**_A/N: Okay! LAST time I revise it. I swear! Hehe, sorry. I get forgetful. I started this in '03, and each year its like "hmm, I should write more, I like it"... then I read it over, and I don't like the way things are worded, or how I made situations, ect. So here I am, five years later, revising it for the 3rd or 4th time. THATS IT. Hehe. Because if I wait another 5 years to revise more, I'll be 24, eek. So I'm hoping to get this done now. Ya know what reminds me though? Reviews! Seriously, as much as I want to finish it for myself, I'd be more encouraged to finish it if someone else was wanting to see the ending too. I don't care what you say. Just one word, a whole paragraph, a flaming review about how I should stop and whats wrong with me, whatever, it's all good coz to be honest, I'd rather someone tell me they don't like it and why rather than seeing that I got another hit, without knowing if I got to the person or not. So please, take the time, review!_**

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_**Chapter One**_

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My skin is too pale, sometimes I wonder how easily I'll be able to disappear once winter comes. If not for my freckles splattered all over, I would blend completely with the snow, I'm sure of it.

My long red bangs are hiding my eyes. I was too sick to go to my hair appointment in the summer. It hurts to blink, but I can not find the concentration to move my hand to my hair and wipe it away.

I feel as if my body should have layers of ice surrounding it, because of all of the shivers inside of me which keep me chilled to the bone, although the train is fully heated with many charms, and if I were to touch myself I would feel that my skin is warm.

I hate how this train has mirrors now instead of the tinted glass it had last year. Because of the mirrors, I can see my reflection staring back at me. I've really started to despise my recent appearance.

The sliding door opens and Hermione walks in. Her and I used to be somewhat close of friends, but since the summer…

"Oh Ginny," Hermione says sympathetically. "You're still sick, aren't you?"

"Yeah," I say, my voice raspy. I have to struggle internally to stop from clearing my throat. I know it hurts more to clear my throat than to speak with a cracked voice. Its too raw from screaming last night.

"Come on Ginny... it's warmer in our spot." Hermione says. It's a weak attempt to make me spend time with her. I stand up and Hermione offers to link arms with me.

She leads me a few doors down, and we arrive at another area, just like the one I was in before.

Harry, Ron, and Luna are all sitting down, laughing about something and Neville is sitting bashfully by the window, face completely red.

"What's so funny?" Hermione asks, slightly suspicious.

"Oh, when you went looking for Ginny, Neville lost his frog again…" Harry begins, but bursts back into laughter when he looks at the blushing Neville.

"A…A…And we went to look for it," Ron sputters as he tries to cease laughing, "and… ran into Snape…" He starts laughing again and hides his face in his hands, "Oh Merlin!"

"It's not funny! Think of poor Trevor… he's traumatized! Just look at him!" Neville said, his voice high-pitched. He held his greenish-brown frog up and I looked at it, as did everyone else. It looked as simple and as oblivious to everything as always.

"…And it was bouncing about… under Snapes robes!" Harry said, then busted into fits of giggles with Ron again.

"You should have seen it! Snape was red in the face, and trying to act as composed as possible as he squirmed and tussled around… with a frog bouncing about, up there!"

"Neville is right," Hermione says, "it isn't funny." Betraying her words, she let a smile slip as she sat down.

I sit next to Hermione without saying a word and look out the window. After about ten minutes of everyone talking, chuckling and eating chocolate frogs and Bertie Bot Beans, Luna speaks.

"What's wrong with you?" Luna asks, observing me too closely. I feel like getting up and leaving. I hate observation.

"Sick, I guess." I say with a shrug.

"With what?" Ron asks, "You seem to just get over something and then get it again. Maybe you should see Pomfrey when we get to Hogwarts?"

"No, no, I'm fine. I think it may just be the stress of coming back to school."

"Will you be okay? You look as if you're going to throw up," Neville says worriedly. He's always been more like an older brother to me, more of one than Ron. Ron's more like a little brother.

"Here," Harry says, taking his coat off and placing it on me, "you're shivering."

It's heavy. I feel like I'm suffocating.

"Stop fussing." I say. "I'm fine."

I lean my head against the side of the wall, and soon drift to a sleep that I wish was dreamless.

"Gin, wake up," Ron says, shaking me, "the train has stopped."

He's the only one in the compartment. I glance outside where everyone's is.

I pull myself up and follow my brother. It hurts to walk.

I'm in Potions class but for the moment Snape is out of the room, for which I'm thankful. When he's around I can't help but tense. I know he has the mark, and it unnerves me now more so than ever before.

I've been here two weeks now. I love Hogwarts. It's so safe. Yes, safe! A word I thought lost its meaning.

However safe I feel, I can't control my new jitteriness, nor can I explain my inability to have tolerance to those who I used to be so supportive of. Like, for example in potions, when Colin spilt a bottle of dead frozen spiders, I couldn't help but snap when he looked at me so expectantly to help.

"Well?" I snap, taking a step back. "It's not my fault your such a bloody idiot."

His face goes pink.

"Sorry… I'll just… okay sorry…" He stutters, no longer attempting to make eye contact with me.

When did I become such a cold hag? I kneel down and help him.

"I'm sorry, Colin... I... I haven't been myself lately." I whisper as Snape walks in. I pick the last one up and put it in the bottle.

"Um, its alright, Ginny... are you okay though?" He whispers back, his eyes shifting back to Snape.

I do nothing but simply nod, terrified that even if I do say yes, my voice will betray me.


	2. it must dissolve

_**Wrote: Sunday, November 23, 2003**_

_**Revised: Wednesday, January 9, 2008**_

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_**Chapter Two: It must dissolve…**_

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When I leave the class I'm still confused at myself. That wasn't the first time I snapped at someone for a silly thing. I always thought of myself as a pleasant, polite girl. Now? Well, now I'm not quite sure what I am. All that I strived for and all of the purity I tried to so desperately to tie to me seems to be slipping away.

"Ugh," I sigh as my books fall down plenty of stairs. I'm ignorant to the people who pass, as they are to me, and soon I only have my miniature cauldron to pick up. Before I have a chance to reach it, I see a sickly thin and pale hand snatch it. One long boney finger lets it dangle by its handle, taunting me.

I look from his hand to his face and let a cry out.

Ice. _His_ eyes are like ice. Blue, stunning, evil. _His_ face is slightly deformed and _his_ black and silver hair is slicked back thinly.

"Take it, love," _He_ hisses and immediately I obey. _He_ seems slightly amused by my shock. _He_ tilts his head. "Thought this stone building would keep you safe, my pet?" _He_ whispers. I can hear the evil in _his_ voice.

I nod. I know not to lie to _him_. Sometimes I try, to please_ him_, but…

_He_ tisks, shaking _his_ head as _he_ comes closer to me.

We're all alone in a dungeon... unless... did Snape leave? No! He didn't. Maybe if I...

"You know I can kill you so easily if you do,"_ He_ says,_ his_ voice cold now; not cruel, just cold. _He_ scares me with_ his_ ability to see through me so easily. That's not the only thing that scares me, of course. "He's marked as one of mine anyways, have you forgotten? Come, follow me."

_He_ leads me not far away and pauses to look at me.

"I know what you're wondering. You're wondering how this building didn't stop me. You think a stone building can outsmart me?" _He_ hisses, gripping my face with his boney fingers.

I try to shake my head.

"I... I was not thinking... Please..." I stop speaking. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Never ask for mercy. Never ask for anything.

"Please?"_ He_ taunts, in a mimicking tone. Mocking me. "Please...?"

_He_ wishes for me to finish what I wished to say.

"Please..." I search for words. What would please him? "Please kiss me."

_He_ smiles slowly, but stoops down and kisses me fiercely. _His _lips send shivers down my entire body.

When _he_ pulls away,_ he_ looks down on me, mirth in_ his_ eyes.

"You are such a horrible liar, love." _He_ says, and grabs my arm fiercely, yanking me away from the stairs and towards a dark room...

------

Dinner. I always have to make an appearance, unless I'm deathly sick. I always sit beside my brother and Neville; they always fuss about me, which is something I don't like.

"Are you still sick, Ginny?" Ron asks, placing a slab of roast on my plate.

I stare down at it, but make no move to eat it. I stopped eating a lot of things, like meat, due to the blood which I am extremely sensitive to now that I've tasted my own so much.

I look to Ron and I deeply want to tell him. I deeply want to cry, to tell him of all the horrible things happening, but I can't. I remember what happened in my first year. I remember being shunned from people, all but my brother and Neville, and I remember being treated as the devil's child. I can't let that happen again, I just started to fit in a couple years ago. Why waste it all, when soon enough someone will find out on their own? I close my eyes and try to imagine it…

---Harry, Ron and Hermione burst in a dark room with two huge wooden doors and they have their wands withdrawn. They see me laying on the ground, hands tied back against a big pillar. My clothes ripped, and my hair messed. Ron yells and charges behind the tall, thin figure standing over me. Hermione puts her cloak over my body and Harry lifts me up in his arms. My brother is fighting he-who-mustn't-be-named. Hermione is magicking the chains off of me--

"Honestly, woman, if you're going to day-dream about your lover-boy all day, then I'm going to just stop talking to you!" Ron says, frustrated.

"Sorry, what?" I ask, blinking out of my daze.

"I asked if you were still sick... then I asked what you're doing tonight... then I asked if you wanted to come to the library with us to help Hermione with some sort of thing. At least if you're there then it wouldn't be as boring." Ron says, with a sigh. "I don't even get why we have to go too…"

"Because Ron," Hermione stresses "you have to know this too!"

"I'd enjoy coming." I say quickly.

"Well, if you'd hurry up and eat," Ron says, looking down at my plate, "then maybe we'd get to go sooner,"

I gradually stuff a bun and some salad in my mouth. I look to Ron, and he looks right back at me. He doesn't believe in salad... I have to eat some 'real' food, as he calls it, before we can leave.

I look at the table. There isn't anything edible.

"Here," Ron waves a sausage in my face. My eyes widen in terror and I shake my head.

"Get it away, Ron!" I whine, pushing his hand away from my face.

"Gin, you need meat in you. C'mon, hurry up and eat. Remember what happened to Aunt Tabby? She got so skinny she up and disappeared that one day, and it took two years for her to appear again!"

Harry begins to nod in agreement, but then stops and looks at Ron when he finished the sentence.

"Uh… Ron?" Harry asks, "I don't think that actually happens."

"Sure it does. Mom says Aunt Tabby has never missed a meal since she appeared again. Mind you, now she's the size of a whale… but that just goes to show, eat right in the first place, then you won't be concerned about keeping weight on. Eh, Gin?" He says, stuffing the sausage in his mouth.

"Ron, just be quiet." I say, popping a butter tart in my mouth to satisfy him.

"How much do you weigh, anyways?" Ron asks, as if it's an okay thing to talk about at the table, in front of all these people.

I knew they'd see how much I've lost. I used to be chubby. Only a few months ago, I was big. One-hundred and forty-nine pounds. I never liked my weight, but now looking back, I would rather be 149 than this. Ever since he started coming… I've been loosing a lot of weight. He says its an improvement. I hate it because of those words. I'm down to one-hundred and one pounds. I lost about a third of my weight in just a few months. Isn't that sick?

"Ron," I say, "I don't want to talk about this. Can't we please go?"

Ron sighs and stands. Harry and Hermione follow suit, as do I, and as we walk out of the hall, Ron mutters something about 'killer salad'. Hermione and I roll our eyes.


	3. due to inquirers

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_**Wrote: Sunday, November 23, 2003**_

_**Revised: Wednesday, January 9th, 2008**_

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_**Underneath my Shivers**_

_**--**_

_**Ginny Weasley's Point of View**_

**_-- _**

Chapter Three: By Inquirers

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I flip the page, not bothering to look up at my dull surroundings.

Hermione is reading a big book with interest right across from me, taking notes, as usual. Ron wandered off somewhere a while ago, but I hope he's in the library still. It just makes me feel more comfortable when he's around, I don't know why. I never felt this way, but now... gosh, it's like I need him.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I shiver, but stay still. My eyes go up, looking to Hermione, who's reading, without bothering to look up. She would look up if it were whom I fear, right? If I screamed, would Harry save me? Or would it not matter to He-who—

"Ginny," Ron says, trying to get my attention.

I look up at him, glad it is my brother and not... someone else. I smile with a bit of a wince. After all, how could I mistake his warm, full hand for _his_ cold, bony, cruel hand?

"Yes?"

"Er," He looks uncomfortable; he's hesitating whether or not he should say what he wants to. He could be wanting to say anything from 'Hermione's mad at me, what should I do?' to 'what do you want for your birthday?' He gets embarrassed to talk about anything to me ever since he came to Hogwarts and saw that girls were totally different than boys.

"I don't bite," I tease, then pull a chair out for him.

He sits down, hesitantly.

"Well… I just wanted to ask… to talk about… um…er, it seems lately, er, that you have been, er, _testy_," He says the word carefully, as if I'm a rabid dog that may snap any second at the wrong word.

Hermione clears her throat loudly, staring down at her book with unmoving eyes. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who thinks Ron shouldn't talk anymore.

"Colin spoke with me… and Harry, too," Ron says. "It was what Harry said that really disturbed me…"

I look over to the direction where Harry is browsing.

I never snapped on him, did I?

I frown in confusion.

"I… I don't understand? At least, not about Harry," I say. "What did he say?"

"Ron," Hermione says, taking her eyes from her book for once. "Go find a potion book of wolf-bane… it's near the restricted section." Ron looks at her, in that quizzical manner he uses often, "I need it." She says through her teeth in a forced polite tone. He stands and goes to do what she asked him to.

Hermione looks to me, chewing on her lip (a thing she does when she's about to say something she knows I won't like.)

"Harry overheard you talking to yourself last night,"

My eyes opened a bit wider. I know what she's talking about now…

He _had just left, and I was sitting on the floor, crying, and wondering why. _

My tears were no more, and my throat throbbed. I had puked blood up four or so times, just little splats, and it was beginning to get me dizzy.

I'm not sure weather or not I was hyperventilating, but I couldn't breathe properly, because of all the crying and puking and random words I spoke.

I was getting angry. Angry at my weakness, my thinness, my blood, my tears, my life. Angry at evil, angry at good. Angry at anything that came to mind. I never thought like this before, I never dared of it, but after thinking why so many times there seemed no other thoughts to turn to.

Then I got thinking of my hero. Harry Potter.

I got angry with him, too. After all, wasn't he supposed to save me? Or was once too much?

I began muttering to myself aloud, spitting out all the hate in me. It seemed it was his entire fault. Stupid hero's, stupid friend… where was he when I needed him? Where was the great Harry Potter when I cried and sobbed and screamed in pain and humiliation?

Now looking back, I knew I was wrong, I knew what I was saying wasn't nice, but desperation makes me into another person. I don't even know what it is I said…

"Oh no…" I say aloud, "Oh, Hermione, I…" My eyes are filling full of tears of embarrassment and fear, "I was just so angry, I didn't mean any of it…"

Without wanting to I start to cry uncontrollably. I sink my head down in my arms on the table and soon I feel Harry's hand on my back, trying to calm me down.

All three of them are trying to get me to stop crying. But the heart-sinking, stomach-dropping feeling is overwhelming me. Oh, Merlin, what if they find out? I wouldn't be able to bare it!

The librarian comes over and tells them to take me out of the library, claiming it is no place for a crying girl. Rightfully so. I wish I could stop… but… oh, what if they know?

I stand up and leave, trying to walk away from them and the library. I need so much for a place that I could just escape.

Ron, Hermione and Harry follow me, as much as I don't want them to.

I'm walking with my arms across myself, hugging myself, and I feel how thin I really am. I get the sinking feeling in my heart, the feeling I get every time _he_ fixes his thirsty eyes upon me.

I turn around only to be face to face with Ron, and I feel a dread all around, and jolt for the doors to outside. I pull out my wand and point it at myself. Ron yells something at me as I say a spell for privacy. The air around me ripples five feet around me and the sound of everything stops suddenly.

I taught myself this only a couple of weeks ago. It's a spell that gives me privacy from everything around me. Not even _he _can get to me without a spell with this on around me.

I lie down on the grass, and close my eyes, choosing to be ignorant to Ron, who is standing over me.

I wipe my tears away with my robe and hum a song Bill used to sing to me when I was little. It always seems to calm me…


	4. Then comes a dark light

_**Wrote: Saturday, January 17, 2004**_

_**Revised: Wednesday, January 9, 2008**_

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**When Safety Forms It Must Dissolve By Inquirers. Then comes a dark light…**

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_**Underneath my Shivers**_

**--**

**Ginny Weasley's Point of View**

--

Chapter Four: _Then comes a dark light… _

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I wake up on my side, later on in the afternoon. It's nearly sunset now.

I sit up and look around the grounds. I notice that Hermione has camped herself outside, with her books and homework surrounding her. Harry is watching Ron and Neville play a chess game, all four of them are obviously waiting for me to get up.

My eyes don't stop wandering the grounds; I look over towards the stairs leading to the castle and see three different groups of people, the first being a bunch of Hufflepuff second year boys, exchanging some sort of cards with each other; the second are some Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Gryffendor students chatting, and the last I find myself more than glancing at.

There are three of them; two boys and one girl. The one that grabs my attention in the first place is the girl. She has short black hair and is standing against the stone wall that follows the stairs up like a rail. She is wearing a green top that looks like something someone would get at a night-clothing store, with only two thin straps on her shoulders. The skirt that she has on is dazzling; reaching to the ground, it has strings all about, with thin silver chains crisscrossing all sorts of ways, and over it all is a black school robe, drooped down her shoulders slightly. Her makeup is done in such a way I never seen before, with black eyeliner around her eyes, and it trails off even a bit after her eye. She's wearing glossy black eye shadow, and has her mascara on heavily. Her face is pale, reminding me of one of the only beautiful elements the Malfoy's are made of.

My eyes caught sight of her jewellery and I almost smiled in fascination. Oh what odd, beautiful taste this girl has! It is something I had never laid eyes upon before! Around her neck was a leather choker, but with the most breathtaking white stone with a purplish tinge to it.

I spent nearly five minutes just staring at her face, absorbing the unique beauty of her before I looked at the two others with her. I was so caught up in her beauty, I had no knowledge that Ron saw that I was awake and my spell was off, that is, until he called my name.

"Ginny, er—" He began, awkwardly apologetic.

"I don't want to talk about it." I said, in a sort of trance. "Please, lets not talk about it right now?"

He nods, obviously not really wanting to either.

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There she is again!

It's been five days since I seen her last, and I've been finding myself _looking_ for her, without even knowing that I'm doing so.

I don't know her name, I don't even know what house she is in. My guess is either Slytherin or Ravenclaw, because I know most girls in the other two houses. Right now she's talking to the same two boys that she was earlier.

One has black hair down to his chin, and has eyes comparable in color to Harry's. The other has bleached blond dreaded hair, about the same length as the other, if not longer, which poofs out slightly, making it seem lively and all the more intriguing. They are all draped in black, and seemed to have an overall appearance that shocked me with excitement.

I find myself walking towards them, not a care or thought of anything else in the world, as if I were in a trance.

"Hey," Harry says, coming towards me from behind me.

I stop in my tracks.

"Hey." I say, not trying to be obvious at what I'm doing. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, just heading to Care for Magical Creatures," Harry said, looking down at his books as if adding evidence to his statement.

I frown in thought.

"Don't we have another fifteen minutes before any classes start?" I ask, hoping to hell I'm right.

"I promised I'd help him with the new creatures he got, so I thought I'd get there a bit early." He tells me.

I nod.

Silence.

"Hey," I say, trying my hardest to be casual, "do you know them?" I look pointedly at the three I was observing earlier.

"Yeah, kind of. They hang around Malfoy sometimes. The girl is Pansy Parkinson, and the guy with the light hair is Snape's son… er, Stephen? Steven? I don't know, something like that anyways. The other guy is a real creep, his name is Blaise Zabini. I've only actually spoke to them a few times, but he has a tendency to make girls feel uncomfortable, from what Cho tells me." Harry explains, and looks to me, "Listen, Ginny… that's a bad crowd to mix with, so you should stay away from them. They're friends of Malfoy's, so there's nothing good to expect from them. Even _looking_ at them hints that they're bad people."

I look to Pansy and she just happens to catch my gaze. Without thinking, I say, "I think they're beautiful."

Harry says something else, to which I don't pay much attention to, and adds that he had better get going.

When Harry is out of sight, Snape's son walks up to me as I'm walking to leave, but the other two stay in the same spot and chat, as if they didn't even notice him leave their presence.

I get a little nervous, so I don't bother to look at him; instead I fiddle with my books, hoping that he'll just walk by me. A small bit of me begs for him to come and talk to me, despite my shyness. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, the young Snape comes towards me, his eyes fixed on mine, managing to pry my gaze from my books.

"You were watching us." He says, not really a question, but more of a sentence that I should finish. The way his voice carried the words he spoke made my heart stop momentarily, and made myself question whether I should allow it to beat again, to be in the presence of something so stunning.

"Yes." I say, not really sure of what else to say. I become so uncertain of myself, that I barely trust myself to speak. My stomach is doing flips, and my heart begins to hurt from its constant fluctuations. I can not believe one of them is talking to me.

"Does Potter have a plan up his sleeve, or do you just have a fascination with outsiders?" He says in his silky voice, which oddly, does not seem like a characteristic Snape's son would have. Actually, looking at this boy now, I know that nothing really looks inherited, other than his hair, which is naturally black, I could tell by the inch long roots and his eyes, which nearly look black they are so dark.

"I guess the latter," I say, as I stop walking. He does too. I look up at him, since he is quite a bit taller than me. "What do you care, any which way?"

He smiles, though it's not really a smile, it's more of a show of humour. Somehow Slytherins' smiles don't ever seem like smiles to me.

"Oh, I tend to want to know why people look at me for moments on end, especially girls like you." He answers, in a sneering sort of way that reminds me of his father.

But oddly, this way he's looking at me gives me a new excitement, a sort of comfort. It scares me slightly, because I haven't felt this way for nearly a year. Ever since _he_ came back to my life. I stop and wonder if I ever felt quite this thrilled. Sure, the Gryffindor boy's that I gone out with in the past were fun and all, but they didn't have the same aura as this boy does. How do I explain it, even to myself?

He's not being rude, despite his words. It seems almost as if he's inviting me to be even more intrigued in them.

"What type of girl do you classify me as, exactly?" I ask, my breath stopping in my throat.

How I manage to speak, I have no clue. I feel as if I can not breathe. Between the dizzy fluttering of my heart and the buzzing thoughts in my mind, I do not know how I managed to muster anything.

"The innocent type that are frightened by us _scary_ Slytherin's." He answers, with an edge of flippantness.

"Well, you are correct, I suppose," I say, stopping first to think it over. "But people change. Diversity should be embraced, should it not?"

Before he could answer, I saw Snape in the corner of my eye, coming down the hall, towards us.

"Weasley?" Snape says, and I look to him, more than a bit intimidated. I almost want to run. He bares the mark of _him_. How can anyone be sure that he isn't still one?

"Y…yes, sir?" I say, swallowing hard, and without noticing, I take a step back. He sneers in amusement that he still has power over a student as old as I am.

"Are you not supposed to be serving detention for that fowl stunt you pulled?"

The 'fowl trick' he is speaking of is when I puked my blood out in his potion storage room. Just more reason to believe that he's a follower… why else would he make me go down there?

"Sir, I…" I don't want to say that I'm afraid of that room, but I truly am, and I never want to return to it.

"Yes?" He says impatiently.

"Er… can… can I have my brother accompany me while cleaning?" I ask, and flush in embarrassment. The worst of it all is that the boy is still standing here beside me, his eyes still fixed on me.

"Are you scared of the dungeons, Weasley?" Snape asks smugly. I look down at my book, just wishing that he'll drop the subject and give me a more severe punishment, as long as it's not in the dungeons. "The only thing to have the slightest fear of is spiders, and I'm sure you know that your brother is as brave as a _hen_ when it comes to spiders."

I can already feel _his_ rough touch as I lay on the stone cold floor, and it makes me tremble.

"Please, sir—" I whimper, trying my hardest to contain my fear.

"Miss Weasley I suggest that you go serve your detention right this instant before I _lock_ you in the dungeons to make you get over your harebrained fear!" Snape growls, and I jump a little at the sound of his voice raising.

I don't bother to stay lingering anymore. As I hurry away to the dungeons, I hear Snape make a remark to his son about his wretched hair. I don't look back, because I know that tears will soon be streaming down my face. I can't be certain that _he_ will come, but I have a feeling that he'll make an appearance sometime today.


	5. That shines so bright

**_Wrote: Monday, January 19, 2004_**

**_Revised: Wednesday, January 9, 2008_**

****

-------------------------------

Underneath my Shivers

--

Ginny Weasley's Point of View

--

Chapter Five: That shines so bright

------------------------------

As soon as I shut the door, I felt the air grow cold. _He_ was here. Oh, Merlin, if only my gut feeling was wrong for once.

It was only ten minutes. I know because my watch says so. But it felt so much longer, and everything hurts again, and I still can't stop crying. Usually he makes me stop crying, but he was in a hurry, I know. He didn't want Snape to check up on me, I could tell. As he was finishing up, I heard an echo in the hall, perhaps Snape.

I'm a nervous wreck as I frantically try to scrub the floor as I try to refrain from retching. I must clean up before Snape gets to this door… I can't let anyone see…

I can't understand why I puke blood. I don't understand and I'm starting not to care.

He put on my school clothes back on; rather sloppily, and when he was, he explained "because I know you like to sulk after we're done, love." 

Light comes flooding into the room, and for a moment I begin to think that I passed out, because I know this isn't Snape or _him _in the doorway. The haze of the light makes me dizzy, and I fall to the floor, hitting my head on the stone floor with a painful thud. I feel so weak, I barely felt my head hit until seconds later, when the pain shot through me.

I realize that it is Snape's son, Blaise, and Pansy.

I try to stop crying, but I can't, and I just give up, and cry hopelessly. I don't care. Let them laugh. Let them smirk.

But I don't hear laughter. No, rather the light gets turned on, and someone crouches beside me.

"Jee-zus," Pansy says, her voice quiet and startled. Right when I look up, I'm overwhelmed by it all, and the blood rushes to my mouth again. I manage to push myself forward, and get on all fours and let it come out.

Pansy stands up and backs away.

"What the hell is wrong with her?!?" The young Snape asks, panic in his voice. I cringe as I feel my raw throat; if only it were anyone but them… I'd be perfectly fine…

"She got raped." Another voice, Blaise, observes. "You can tell by her clothes,"

I feel complete horror at the simplicity of that he speaks of rape. Nearly as if he knows, from experience.

I shakily move my arm to my robes pocket and get my wand, and point it at the door. The blood stopped coming out finally. I hoarsely said a spell that shut the door with a slam. Through my hair, which was a mess, I looked at the three.

"Nothing you seen can leave this room." I say quietly. I taste blood in my mouth, and it gives me a sort of warm comfort oddly enough.

"Hun, you need to go to the infirmary," Pansy says, stepping over the bit of blood to crouch down beside me.

"I need to keep my life!" I say, hastily and unintentionally.

"Hun, your life will be a lot shorter if you keep this mess up. No matter what threats the guy made to you, it's not worth dying in pain alone." Pansy says, or rather argues.

I stand up, shakily. Sure they're beautiful, but they are ignorant.

"Yeah? And going to someone will really help me, right, and they'll lock him up, right?" I shake my head and wipe away my tears. "No one will ever catch him." I clenched my teeth. "He will live, long after I'm dead, he will live, and he will hurt, and he will kill, and he will rape, and he will live, forever!" He told me enough times that I know it too well.

Steven walks to me, and makes me look at him.

"There's no one that powerful." He says, wiping the side of my mouth with his beautiful sleeve. God, why am I tainting these people? Not only did they have to witness my sickness, but they dirtied themselves with my blood.

I turn away from them, and shake my head to myself.

"You wouldn't know what power is, until you met _him_." I whisper, then turn my head away. I can't bare to look at his sparkling brown eyes that are so full of pity.

"The way you talk, it's as if he's more than just a kid here." Pansy says, making it out to be some form of a question.

"I shouldn't be talking to you. Please leave, I have a detention to fulfil." Then, with that thought, I turn to them again, angry. "You don't have to pretend to care. I'd really rather you leave!"

Pansy crouches down and does the oddest thing… she rakes her hand through my hair in such a caring way that I am momentarily shocked.

"Aw, hun," She says, so simply, as if I were a girl she's known her entire life and can easily be called a pet name, "Although we don't know you, we do care. There's nothing to pretend. What that sick fuck did to you is wrong, and you got to protect yourself from it ever happening again."

I still feel dizzy from hitting my head and the slight bit of blood loss, but I try to stand up. I feel so weak, but I must stand, I can't let them know any more than they already do…

"You know, I think it's really just better if you three left. I'm fine." Even as I said this, my thoughts were screaming at me to embrace them and cry onto their shoulders. I knew if I spoke anymore I would shatter, so I just opened the door for them.

Blaise came to the door and shut it, with all of us still inside of the room.

"You know, kid, you should learn to accept help when it's offered. I don't know how Gryffindor works, but in Slytherin we don't take shite from anyone. Not rapist fucks, or little stubborn girls."

"Well what!" I say, pushing him away from me. "What am I supposed to do? Do you understand, this is the only way I can stay alive!? I can't risk telling! Please, just leave me alone!" I break down, crying again, "Oh god, what if I just killed you all? Merlin, what if he…" I couldn't even finish the sentence. I should have figured that it'd happen, once I found beauty, that it would somehow be stripped from me.

"Killed us?" Steven said, closing the wide gap between us as he takes my shoulders in his hands, "Merlin, the way you speak, it's as if… I don't know… the Dark Lord himself came in here and did this!" He says, as if it's the most absurd thing he's ever thought of.

I collapse on the floor in a fit of crying. I repeat prayers in my mind over and over, hoping to whatever God there is that they won't be hurt. I didn't mean for them to know. I tried. I failed so easily, if only I weren't so weak… then maybe I could have found a way to divert their focus on the matter. I don't realise I'm speaking until I hear my own words.

"Oh god, you shouldn't have came. You shouldn't have come down here at all! I was keeping it so well. No ones known for so long… And my brothers… my father…" I began to sob at what he would do to them if he found out that I told. "Oh god, my mother…"

I curled into a ball as I sobbed. The warmth that I would have once had from doing that is gone now, due to my lack of weight. God, what more can he take from me?

Pansy sat next to me and embraced me, giving me some much needed warmth. I sobbed into her shoulder as she soothingly shushed and rocked me.

"Steven, Blaise, clean this up for her. The poor kid has enough to deal with, she doesn't need to be cleaning up her own shite that she spewed up." Pansy says, quietly yet demandingly.

They say nothing, but get their wands out and clean it up as she calms me down.


	6. and it shall shine all night

**_Monday, January 19, 2004_******

**______________________**

**_As you'll see, this chapter will be somewhat longer than my usual ones. I think I will adapt to this change from now on, too._**

**_-------------------------------_******

**_Underneath my Shivers_******

**_--_******

**_Ginny Weasley's Point of View_******

**_--_******

**_Chapter Six: and it shall shine so bright_******

**_------------------------------_**

It's the day after I was found.

Blaise, Steven and Pansy promised not to tell anyone about what they now know, and we all formed a sort of friendship. They told me to meet up with them today at noon, since there's no school today.

I guess what people say about Slytherins and Gryffendor's not getting along was a lie all this time.

I'm at the dinner hall right now. On Saturdays and Sunday's food is out all day, since people tend to wake up at different times. I'm sitting in my usual spot, between Neville and Ron. All of us tend to get up at the same time, and eat together always.

Ron keeps on putting food on my plate, and, with getting the hint that I no longer eat meat, he stacks pancakes, toast, rice pudding, and nearly anything that crosses his path that aren't vegetables or meat, which, considering the verity, is a lot.

To satisfy him, I eat quite a bit of it.

"Ron, no!" I say finally, as he puts the stuff he's done with on my plate.

"You're going to fade away, and we'll never be able to find you, and mum will blame it on _me._ So you have to eat and gain weight before I get a howler!" Ron says, only half seriously, and he tries to place a mini strawberry pancake in my mouth. I take it, begrudgingly.

"You know, it sort of looks bad when my brother hand-feeds me." I say, in a near pout.

"Yeah, well, if you'd learn to feed yourself…" He trails off, having no need to finish his sentence.

I stand up, done eating.

"Well, I'm going to go hang out with some friends, see you later."

"Whom are you hanging out with?" Ron asks, noticing that most the people I ever speak to are either at the table or else sleeping.

"Blaise, Steven and Pansy." I say honestly, knowing that saying anything else would not only be insulting to them, but insulting to Ron's intelligence.

All the Gryffindor friends of my brother and I look to us, and Ron looks terrified.

"Zabini, Snape Jr., and Parkinson?" Ron asks, unbelieving.

"Yes."

"Ginny, I told you that they are the wrong sort of people to mix with," Harry says, or more like lectures.

"But… I talked to them, and they're really nice and they aren't like what you guys think."

"That Zabini is bad news, and so is anyone who hangs out with him!" Ron says, his voice slightly higher than usual. "They hang out with Malfoy, for Merlin's sake! And look at them," he looks towards the Slytherin table, and his eyes set upon the three. "Snape and Zabini wear make-up… and dog chains, and—well just look at them! They aren't normal."

We were both silent for a moment, and then I smile to myself.

"I know." I say, gazing over at them. "That's the thing I love about them." Before Ron can say any more, I walk away.

**

Ron hasn't taken my newfound friendships too well. He mailed letters to the twins, and Percy, but thankfully not to mother or father. I just don't know what I'd do if they became disappointed in me, as Ron and Percy say they most definitely will be.

Fred and George sort of laughed at it. They sent me a letter, saying that it's good that I found some victims to test their stuff out on, and that Ron and Perce are big prats who don't know how hard trusting friends are to find now and days (adding also that they wish they ran out of them, because then it'd be a lot more easier to see weather or not their products work). Of course they told me to be careful though, because 'you never know these days,'.

Day's had passed, and now weeks. I haven't seen _him_ since that night I was discovered.

Hanging out with Pansy and the guys proved to be different, nonetheless. They have such odd ways of living and thinking. People who use the word dark to describe them use the word too loosely, because they aren't even in league with _him_ or _his_ people. No, they are brilliant and free. They think what they want, and they don't care what others think. They are like no one I've ever met before.

At first, hanging around them was a bit uncomfortable, to say the least, but as days passed by, I began to relax more around them, and things seemed fun again. My life, it felt, was coming back to me.

And now here I sit, on the stone wall that follows the stairs up to the castle, the place where I first seen them, and beside me Steven sits, reading a book of gothic poetry by random writers, and on the steps, below us, Blaise is standing, gazing at a magazine that I'm sure a professor would confiscate if they noticed it, and on the steps, sitting there under Steven and I, is Pansy, who is jotting down notes in her D.A.D.A book.

We're all in our own little world, doing the things we like, yet enjoying each other's quiet company. It's odd, but I feel bound to them, and I'm sure they to I, and each other.

"Steve, are you done reading?" I ask, boredly. "We still have to rehearse our scene by tomorrow."

I was never into plays, but since they pushed me into Drama class instead of Flying Lessons, I became a bit more interested in them. A kid one a writing contest last year, and so now we have to do a school play, because I guess that was the reward to the kid. From what I read, I love it, but Steven, Pansy and Blaise thought otherwise, though they did it was well written.

"Ah, I suppose." Steven says with less enthusiasm than I expected, after all, it was his idea for me to get this role along with him.

We both slid down off of the wall, and went to a clearing on the grass.

"Begin at the part where she's laying on the floor in blood," Steven says, in his usual bored tone as he looks through the script.

I lay on the grass, in a dramatic sort of way, and put my hand on my stomach, where the character I am playing got stabbed by her nephew, the king of Scotland, but not completely intentionally.

"Zachary, my love!" I say, reaching my other hand out to touch his face when he kneels beside me.

"You have no more to fear, Azra, soon death will take over, and you shall soar high with your husband in the God's kingdom." Steven said, knowing the lines off by heart by now. 

"I will not die, and leave you here, under Martin's wrath! For I love you, Zachary, and no longer do I care for my sacred vows of marriage, or even to the God's! Death will not take me over, because in doing so our love die along with me, and will burn in the Fires along with my soul for all I have done," This was the part I was supposed to shed tears, but I wasn't in that much of a dramatic mood to do so. This scene was my least favorite, because I had to act it out, and not someone else. It was one of the only romance sort of scenes, as do in most plays when someone is about to die.

Steven caressed my cheek, and it nearly made me go mad with pleasure. His touch was so soft!

"Alas, our love cannot be, for I am but a solider of King Martin, and you are part of the royal family. Our affair has gone on for far too long already, Azra, and I fear that it may be a corruption above all others if such a thing were to become. Death has laid his hand upon too many because of us, and you shall now be the last."

My character, Azra, is supposed to be crying harder now.

"You would put your duty to my nephew over us?"

"I already have." He says, darkly. He's so well in character, I can't believe it. It is as if he tuned the whole world out, and he really was Zachary.

"Wait!" I call out, just as he is rising to leave. "Just one last kiss, my love, one last taste of you before I bun in the Fires for eternity."

He settles back down, and lowers his lips to mine, and when they touch, oh Merlin, I wish for the scene never to end! He knows I'm thinking it too, because the kiss lasts longer than supposed to, and without really noticing, I sit up, and we're still at it.

I don't think I've ever been as eager as this to kiss someone, and I never thought it possible for me to even look at a guy again, but here I am.

Finally we break apart for a moment, but only just, and our faces are still rather close to each other, only about two inches apart. Once we both can breathe normally, his lips come to contact with mine again, and I smile into the kiss and give a little laugh that he ignores as I hear Pansy and Blaise making cat calls, and Blaise hollering smugly, "I don't think a dead chick can shove her tongue down a dudes throat like that,"

_________

A/N: Alright, now that the couple is out in the open, I would like to tell you of how I came to this.

At first, I was going to set Ginny up with Pansy, but then, the couple just didn't seem to have that feeling about it. But Snape's kid, even though he is made up, and I usually don't like using made up ones, I thought it worked well for my Tom fic. If you do not think they are a good couple, do tell why. I can see as to why people would think that they aren't right for each other, but, you know, sometimes I just get so into it when writing, I can just feel the chemistry between them! ^_^

Anyways, I thought I'd go for a good-girl Ginny, thus the reason why I use the word gosh… Never did I think I'd write that word without it having sarcastic ness with it! And so in doing that, I thought that I'd have the others in character as JK has them, and I do admit that I am horrible at that. I can't work anyone else's ideas as well as my own, so I guess I sort of convert her characters to how I see them. Anyways, as I was saying, I want her to be a good girl, and the others to be in character, so I want Draco as the little brat he is. And, besides, I used him already for another fic, I see no reason to write another DG fic unless I'm absolutely inspired. Besides all those points, I like using lesser-known characters, so I can work with them and mold them to my perfection. Though, I wouldn't call this a perfection. Anyways, I better get going. No matter the couple, I hope you like the writing… well, and the couple  -_^

Oh, and by the way, I know that there is spelling mistakes with the words 'Gryffindor', but my spell check has a stupid mind of its own when I check it, and it won't listen to me. So, you'll just have to suffer my spell checks wrath.


	7. but it will soon fade

**_Sunday, January 25, 2004_**

**______________________**

**_Oops, I meant to say that this chapter was the long one, not the last one. Hope you like it. I'm starting to run outta chapter titles._**

**_-------------------------------_**

**_Underneath my Shivers_**

**_--_**

**_Ginny Weasley's Point of View_**

**_--_**

Chapter Seven: But it soon will fade 

**_------------------------------_**

Things are going by as usual: Ron and any Gryffindor I know are still fussing about everything, such as my weight, which, I happily am gaining more, I'm up to 92 pounds now, even though its still not much, its better than 88. Blaise and Pansy are being, well, annoying, always bugging Steven and I. And Steven and I, well, we formed sort of a new friendship. Like for example, right now, we're sitting in the Hogwarts common room, with me on his lap, and we're making out and occasionally taking time to breathe or chat with Pansy and Blaise, as they just snicker or roll their eyes.

And to my great, great relief, he hasn't come back again. Or maybe he has, but I just never know, because I'm always around someone now. Maybe that's the trick.

Professor Snape has really got to learn to hate me now that I'm seeing his son.

In ten minutes I have to meet with Hermione, because I promised that I'd look some things up in the library with her.

"I better go," I say, remembering this, "Hermione will be waiting."

"Fine, fine, cut me bloody off why don't you," Pansy sighs when I interrupt her, then she smiles a bit, "But, I suppose that is better than you snogging the little amount of brains left in Stevie-boy's head out. I mean, don't your lips ever get numb?"

I grin but don't answer.

"Well, see you tomorrow, if not sooner." I say while I stand up.

**

Stupid, stupid. I shouldn't have left alone. Blaise or Steven should have accompanied me!

_He_ came for me. H_e _dragged me to the same spot again, but I was rather proud of myself, I never even cried, no matter how much I wanted to, not one tear shed, and not one drop of blood came from my mouth. My spirit was shattered, yes, but on the outside I was holing up strong, even after he left, and also, I never stayed around afterwards, I'm going directly to the dinning hall, since it was probably dinner time by now.

I am walking down the hall, trying my hardest to keep my dignity, but I just can't seem to hold up as good now, seeing people walk all around, oblivious. I begin to think about _his_ touch, and_ his _words, and it makes me so angry I nearly tremble.

I walk right past Pansy, Blaise and Steven, without really noticing, that is, until Steven reaches for my hand as I'm walking away.

"Where's the fire?" He asks, tugging me back playfully. With out meaning to, I push him away and keep on walking. I can't stand another person touch me, even if it is Steven. "Ginny?" He says, his tone taking a bit of seriousness in now as he steps in my way. "What's wrong? You're brother was ragging on you again?" He asks, but when I look away from him I can see in the corner of my eye that he notices something. His hand comes up to my face, right under my lips, and he caresses where I was biting when _he_ raped me. "He came again, didn't he?" Steven says quietly, speaking as though it was a matter that should be dealt with. I nearly laugh at the stupidity of the preposterous idea.

I don't answer; I just stare down at the floor, ashamed by it all. Ashamed that I let it happen, and that I feel filthy when Steven touches me right after I was with _him, _when I shouldn't, because Steven is nothing to feel dirty about.

**// Stevens Point of View \\**

I can't believe it. She stands here, in front of me, with shame in her eyes as she keeps her silence. Why does she let him do this, over and over again? Perhaps if she told someone, like Dumbledore, then perhaps she could get protection. I know that he would never be caught, for God's sake, one raped girl is nothing to the Ministry from what else he has done, so its unlikely that they would have more of a throughout search for him and happen to find him and defeat him. All of us know that is next to impossible. But seeing her here, like this, it's even worse than when she broke down and cried on Pansy's shoulder. I don't know how it is so, but it is like she's giving up. Maybe she is. It doesn't even seem like she wants me to touch her right now, but how can I just leave her alone like this? It's not like I love her, but she's now my friend, and I feel like I'm responsible for her now, and so do Pansy and Blaise.

"I'm fine." I hear the words come out of her mouth softly, as if she's lost reality, and for a brief moment I think of stepping away from her, I was so disgusted by her words. Either she is lying to me, or she lost all feeling and hope. A though tugs on my mind, but I ignore it for a moment, but then stop to think, maybe she is fine.

"Yes? Well, I'm sure you won't be needing me, will you? Being 'fine' and all, _with him_… _because_ of him," The words come out matter-of-factly, as harsh as they are. I feel like hitting that look off of her face. Or maybe hit a look on her blank face. If she was herself, she would have flinched, or something, at the words I spoke. But she just stands there, looking semi-down at the floor, in the same spot.

"I suppose I won't be." She says, in that same tone that sickens me.

"Why would you need a boyfriend, when you have him—" She turns and walks away, but I keep on speaking, "—always there to have his way with you, you must enjoy his sinister flesh on yours," My voice is becoming louder, as she walks away, normally without sorrow. "You must like it, Ginny Weasley. You must like his dark ways with you!" My bleached hair is in my eyes, but I ignore it, as do I ignore the cold things I am telling her.

Pansy and Blaise come to my side, and Pansy slaps the back of my head.

"You're such an asshole." She says, though oddly enough she doesn't go running after Ginny, but she stays by my side, watching her walk away.

Blaise shrugs.

"Told you it was too good for you to last," He says carelessly. He never was one to give a shit about anyone, but, then again, neither was I.

**// Ginny's Point of View \\**

I walk away, my body numb. Why is he saying these things as I walk? Doesn't he know that it hurts enough already? And now everyone will be asking what he meant. I see Professor Snape walking in my direction.

What is going to become of me? There must be some Death Eater kids here that overheard Steven's outburst. Or perhaps he is one too? Why else would he push me away? Why was he not proud of me, to see that I'm getting stronger?

"Miss Weasley," Snape says, sternly, but not with the same coldness as he usually does. I stop, and look up at him, terrified that he'll give me detention again. "Come with me." He says curtly, and turns swiftly. I pause before following, and wonder briefly what is going to happen. I cannot bare anymore bad things.

I can see he's taking me to the counselor room. The room where Dumbledore has his talks with troubled students. I panic. I don't want anyone to know! How can he know!?!

"Miss Weasley," Snape growls, as he stands before me opening the door for me to go in. I shake my head, unable to do anything else. "Inside before I have to drag you."

He always says that. He usually never warns to drag me around or hurt me thought. I just have to expect it. I just have to be used to it. Perhaps Snape is not. Perhaps he is a... rookie? Is that what one would call it?

My eyes are full of tears now. No! He's a teacher, how can he be a Death Eater? How can he have access to me, unless... he told him that he could have me after himself. I'm afraid to move, but I know I must. Grave, grave consequences...

I'm walking, unwillingly, unknowingly, my legs are moving. Fear. Makes me do stupid things. Maybe now he won't hurt me as much though. Not usually, anyways.

I ring my hands together nervously as I hear the door shut and lock. I flinch at the sound, and then at the thought of Snape, I flinch more. Gosh, he's Steven's father! It is beyond wrong. I see it will hurt a lot... Mental. This whole thing is mental. Why else would he get Steven's father to... to...

"Madness," I whisper to myself, unknowingly aloud.

"Pardon?" He says, sitting on the chair.

"N... nothing, my l--... my... um... master?" I tremble, and my eyes flicker towards him. What do I call him? Master? Professor? Sir?

"Miss Weasley, this is no time for practical jokes. Stop crying and sit."

I frown, confused. He's a Death Eater. But... he's not pushing me, or shoving me, or...

Maybe he wants me to sit in front of him. Kneel, he always says. "Kneel down to me, love. For all the pleasure I lay upon you, now it is time for you to do such upon me!" He said that once. That was when at first I started to puke afterwards. That was at first when I lost more weight than usual within that month.

"On the couch, my... master?" I say hesitantly.

"Miss Weasley, if you would be so kind to stop talking to me as though you are a dog and I am your owner!" He barks, and I flinch and sit.

There is a slight silence in the room now. Awkward silence. I can't stop fidgeting. When will the demands poor from him?

"S...sir?" I pause, and look for permission, "May I speak?"

"Of course, Miss Weasley," He says, giving me an odd look.

"What is it you wish me to call you?" I was about to say that he likes me to call him my lord or my love, but no, Mustn't think of that!

"Professor Snape. What in Merlin's name else would I wish for you to call me!" He says, and finally I realize that he has papers in his hand, and is looking at them. He looks me in the eyes now, and I make myself not look away. He hates it when I look away. "Miss Weasley," he isn't as annoyed now. I see some realization in his eyes, and he's oddly... warningly-looking, "I am not the Dark Lord's Servant any more." My eyes widen. Gosh! How absolutely daft of me! How much did I give away?!

I look to Snape. He's talking.

"--noticing some difficulties that you and my..." he coughs, ashamed. "son have been deliberately been skipping on my classes. I find this not only insulting, but greatly stupid on your behalf!" Snape's voice goes gentle, as if he is realizing that he is venting, "However, I also noticed some other things. Such as your sudden fear of the dungeons and being alone, and my... son's protectiveness over you. And I happened to be walking down that hall you and he were standing in, as you know. I happened to hear his little outburst, Miss Weasley, and I know of whom he was talking of." Snape looks away from my eyes. His voice is getting more softer, "Ginny," its the first time I ever heard him be on first name terms on anyone other than Dumbledore. "I know what you are going through, child, and I know more importantly that you are in fear. Such fear that you are losing reality's grip." He places the papers down, and I stare at him, in more fear than that I feel towards him. "You may tell me anything, child, anything at all. I myself have gone through the gruesome tortures of the Dark Lord, and I know that it places a far too great amount of pain and fear into an individual's life. As I am a Professor here at Hogwarts, I have responsibility's, one of which is to make sure my students are safe. And safe you are not. It was foolish of me, or any of the other staff, not to see this sooner." I curl up in a ball on the couch. I feel so... so... so violated. So... dirty. So bear, so cold. Everything is ice cold. What's happening? He keeps talking! He's still talking! Why won't he stop? He shouldn't know! He shouldn't! I'm getting stronger! I'll stop him, I'll stop him! No one will ever know. Everyone will be happy. Be quiet, stop talking! There's a hand on my face. Cold. I can't see anything. What happened? Why can't I see? I start to move my arms, to see what's around me, I hear people telling me to stop, and then everything goes quiet.


	8. into a frightening sight

**_Sunday, January 25, 2004_**

**______________________**

**_Oh, shit, I was going to dedicate my last chapter to Starchild… thank you for reviewing! And thank you, Ami, for reviewing too! Now, here's one more chapter for you two… Three, if saz is still reading, which I hope so, but two readers are good enough… but the more, the better. ^_^_**

**_-------------------------------_**

**_Underneath my Shivers_**

**_--_**

**_Ginny Weasley's Point of View_**

**_--_**

**_Chapter Eight:_**

**_------------------------------_**

**// Severus's Point of View \\**

God, who knew that the Weasley girl has been through so much? I wonder how long it has been going on for? Before school started?

Steven knew, too, I'm sure. I was wondering why he started hanging around her. It isn't like him to make new friends. The inexcusable prat, who does he think he is, ragging on the poor child, for all that she has had to put up, she doesn't need that prat to make her feel dirty for being raped by one of the most powerful men in the living world. Will we ever have a talk about that later on today.

I'm outside the Infirmary, waiting for the new nurse to call on me, to tell me that the child is awake. For her own mental stability, I've chosen not to tell anyone, without her complete permission. I know, that perhaps, I should have let things be, because I do know that if you pull the Dark Lord's wrong string--which there is plenty of--that he will have no mercy and no regret. She is but a play toy to him. Indeed he picked a good one, one that wouldn't slip up. One that was so innocent, so pure, that she would risk being hurt over and over with no good outcome but that but the safety of her family and loved ones. Most girls, even in Gryffindor now, would never have thought a second of the consequences of ones own chosen safety. But to determine whether or not this wise ness of his is that of a good thing or bad, I have no idea.

I am still wondering of when this began? Surely, not more than a year? Considering the Weasley's, a person would thing each one of them have leashes and collars, for how concerned their parents are of them. And Potter! Potter, the 'greatest wizard' here, he must have noticed her? Perhaps, though, that which is obvious is more hidden than not?

As I sit here and wait, I see Pansy Parkinson stride towards me, and as I see her I wonder why, in Merlin's name, would she think of wearing such ridiculous things, like her collar and black makeup, and her slightly revealing clothing! What kind of person wears over shirts that look as though they belong in a fishing boat! And even more quizzical, what she wears under it! Nothing but a bra! Surely that is against policy?

"Miss Parkinson, I demand that you go put some proper clothes on this instant, before I bind a full-length white coat!" I say, and she ignores me.

"Where did you take Ginny?" She demands, fire in her eyes. "What the bloody hell did you do to her? If I find out that you... that you..." She is glaring at me as though she is about to pounce and kill me.

"Where Miss Weasley is, is none of your concern, Miss Parkinson, now I suggest that you go put some proper clothes on this instant! I don't need students parading around in nothing but-"

"Listen, Snape, that kid has enough shit going on with her than you or anyone knows, not even including that prat son of yours flinging daft things around! Now tell me where she is now, or--"

"Professor Snape?" The new nurse says, coming out of the infirmary. "She's awake now, and, er, she seems to be panicking. Shall I call on Dumbledore?"

"No," I say, and look to Parkinson. She must now, as does Steven. I ponder a moment if I'm really the best person to go in there at the moment. "Go fetch my son." I say curtly, and she gives me one final, but softer, glare, and flee's to find him. I look back at the fairly pretty nurse, "Go keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't do anything to harm herself."

**// Ginny's Point of View \\**

I woke up a few minutes ago in the infirmary. I don't know what's going on! Why am I in here? What happened? There are so many questions in my mind, I'm unsure of what to do, or what to say. I get off the bed, and go to the corner, where there is two chairs lined beside each other. Behind them, is a window. I just reach over to open it, but then a nurse comes in. I quickly retrieve my hand, and turn around, and sit in the chair.

"What's the matter?" She asks, her voice slightly calming, rather heavenly like. "Are you unsure of why you're in here?" I don't say anything, I just stare at her, wondering briefly what she knows. She smiles, mirth in her eyes. "Seems as though you had a panic attack, sweetie, one of the worst I've heard of. The professor says that you were so panicked, you couldn't breathe, and" she clicks her tongue "just like that you fell off your seat!" She sits down on the chair beside me, and I direct my eyes to the wall, afraid what she's going to ask. "There's no need to be shy or embarrassed or scared, though, sweetie. It happens to plenty of people. Why, just a few months ago my cousin Georgia fainted right in the middle of a play she was in!..." She kept on talking, and I just sat there, unblinkingly at the wall near the door all up to when the door opened.

There, one of the least suspected people entered. Blaise. The nurse stood up and said something like, 'I'll just leave you two alone, then,' and left. Blaise walked in front of me, not caring whether or not I want him to be here.

"Listen, Gin, I don't know what happened, and I won't ask, because really, I don't care. Pansy and--- I mean, Pansy told me to come in here and tell you that Steven is a great prat, and that he says a lot of shit that he doesn't mean when he gets confused. So you just got to stop confusing the shit out of that kid, because damn, anything he says is plainly idiotic. Anyways, there are some people who want to talk to you, and I'm the messenger. Do you decline or accept?" He says, all in the same, bored tone that he usually uses. I don't answer, and I look up at him for a moment. He rolls his eyes, waiting. "Listen, if you want me to say anything else, you better tell me, because I'll be damned if I'm going to play twenty questions with you." Silence follows now, and again, he speaks. "I don't want to hit you, Weasley, I really don't, because my guess is, you've been hit damn good by the Dark Lord, and honestly, I don't like having to hit chicks. But I will if you don't start bloody talking." I choose not to care. I probably won't feel it anyways. "Don't think I haven't before." He's not going to hit me. He's stalling too much. He sighs and sits down where the nurse was before, and makes me look at him by grabbing my chin. "You know, I'm really starting to loathe you, Weasley. Screw the bloody 'I'm an innocent victim' role, because even if it's true, which I'm bloody damned certain it is, I don't care. When someone talks to you, answer! He teaches you that, doesn't he? You know there is consequences, if you get someone angry?" Finally, there's a reaction from me, and I nod slightly. "Well, Gin, I'm glad I got an answer, but it's not good enough. I need words, not little head movements. You'll never be safe, alright? Are you happy to hear that?" I flinch slightly, and he repeats it. "You will never be safe. No one will. Stop protecting everyone, damn it. You aren't here to be a shield. You think you protect your family from pain? You don't! They've seen pain. They felt it. They're in pain, no matter what. Everyone is. There's always something there, big or little. There is no way to rid it. Why cause this shit upon yourself? Are you an idiot? Do you not know that you aren't doing anything? If the Dark Lord wanted to kill your family, he would. If he wanted to kill anyone, he would. He would at least try, anyways. Not even if he has your silence, not even that would stop him." I fold over, and cry into his shoulder, as he keeps talking, and wraps his arm around me. "You aren't protecting anyone. So just stop. Snape knows, alright? It is Steven's fault, yeah, but don't you think that someone was bound to find out soon enough? When someone came across your dead, bloody, naked body in a dungeon, they'd know. And that would cause pain, you know that? Finding out that you've been tortured and dead before anyone could at least try to help, well, lets put it this way; even I would be damned disgraced and sickened."

The door opens. People enter. I'm not sure whom, I just keep crying, and Blaise still sits, unmoving, just letting me hide my face on his shoulder as I cry. He's right. I know it. He just is. I never knew he cared, but he does, and he's right! I cry harder. Why can't I protect everyone? Why can't I just let things be? Everything is going great for everyone else, why can't I keep it that way...?

My body feels so limp and heavy. I slide slowly so I'm sitting on the floor, and Blaise lowers himself down, too, so I can still lean on him.

"Miss Weasley," Snape's voice is oddly awkward, and before he says anymore, I hear a hasty shh.

"Let her get it out, for damned sakes." Pansy's voice snaps, then within seconds I feel her sit next to me and hug me crookedly.

I just can't stop crying. There's too much pain! Oh so much! I'm starting to feel the warmth of Blaise and Pansy, and the clothes upon me, and the heat of my tears, and the tickle of my chin as each tear slides crookedly down my face and onto some other surface, probably Blaise's knee, or mine. I feel how the muscles in my body hurt, of having to have him in me. I feel the shame, the hurt, and the wickedness of it all. The unfairness of the world. The punishment... everything, just comes in a rush, and in that rush, I can't seem to breathe, I can't seem to sit up straight. The weight is just so heavy, I want to fall... fall...

There's movement around as Blaise gets up, and I manage to move the weight of my head onto the chair's seat. The warmth of Pansy leaves, too, and I'm left alone. I want to look around, but I just can't. I can't face things. Not the way I am. I'm so weak. I have no strength! He drained it from me. I doubt I'd even be able to walk if I tried! So much pain. Everything hurts...

And then, someone comes beside me, and gathers me in their arms, and shushes me soothingly.

"I'm sorry, Gin, so sorry," I hear Steven's voice coo, and I cry harder. Why should I believe him?

I open my mouth to speak as I push him away. I push myself so my back is against the wall, and I open my eyes, to see that there are four people in the room. Blaise, sitting on the bed; Pansy, standing next to Blaise, and Snape, standing farther back, and right in front of me, looking as handsome in my mind as ever, sat Steven. I speak the words hoarsely, and slightly viscously:

"Why should I believe you?" I ask, feeling overly warm. "Why should I let you say what you want? Why? When I have to stand alone, in the end? Alone. Something that is now physically impossible, yet seems too close to reality! I let everyone control me as they wish, and never I speak a word of defense for myself! I let you all do what you wish. I just sit, stand, or lay there, letting everyone do as they wish, as I shield everyone's pain! I shield the truth, so no one gets hurt, and people just rub it in my bloody face!" I'm nearly screaming now. It's one of the first times I swore, and I have barely any time to notice. "And you think, that for one moment, you can say two words, two mere words that... that he can even mutter, and you think... you expect... you know that I'll just take it in! I'm so sick, and frail, and utterly hurt at everything I do, everything, and he just has to point it out. You're just like him!"

The room is silent. I am too. I'm not crying any longer. I can't believe I said that. I just... I couldn't have said that, because, that's not me, that just isn't me.

Everyone is looking at me. Snape looks as if he's trapped in a room with angry Hippogriffs. Blaise is, well, he's smiling, in a smug, 'I told you so' sort of way. Pansy looks paler than usual, and Steven, well, he looks like he just got stabbed or something.

"One day I'm going to break you, love," I remember him telling me as he caressed my cheek. "And that is the day you will be mine forever."

I slowly, and frailly, stand up, using the chair and wall to help me.

"I... I got to go." I say softly, "Hermione... she's probably looking for me. I... I promised to help her an hour ago." I feel slightly dizzy as I walk to the door. I have to go. Ron's probably worried sick. I'm never late…


	9. that reveals some truth

Sunday, May 02, 2004

_-------------------------------___

_Underneath my Shivers_

_--___

_Ginny Weasley's Point of View___

_--___

_Chapter Nine:___

_------------------------------___

**// Stevens Point of View \\**

I can't move; I'm numb with shock. I think everyone is; everyone excluding her, that is. 

She's muttering something, like "Ron's going to be worried sick... probably looking for me right now..." Ron! She's worried of her brother, when she just had a severe panic attack, and just blew up like that! 

It seems as though she's confused too. She pauses at the door, with her hand on the handle. My father is at her side, trying to tell her to stay, that they need to protect her, and tell Dumbledore. Pansy gives me a look, then Blaise a glare. He still has that smug look upon him, as if he witnessed something brilliant that was caused by him, and I'm just here, sitting close by the corner, stunned by everything. She fucking hates me. She fucking hates me. Well, no wonder, I mean, I was an asshole, lets face it, but this is Ginny here. Ginny! She doesn't hate. Never. Hell, I don't even think she hates the Dark Lord. She just doesn't believe in hating...

But she fucking hates me.

I stand up, out of my little trance of thought, and look around to see that she's gone, along with my father.

"Steven," Pansy begins, but I pay no attention to her and walk out the door. I have to find her. I have to tell her that I... I love her. Not the way she wants me to love her, I'm sure. Maybe not quite… relationship-love. But, it's some sort of weird, strong feeling. I just actually give a shit about her. Like I do for Blaise, and Pansy.

I'm running towards my father, who is carefully helping her walk. I step in front of their way, and they stop.

"Gin, please," I say, placing my hand on her face, cupping her cheek. "Please forgive me. I just..." Fuck, how can I say this without sounding all helplessly in love? And in front of my father! I look into her red, puffy, eyes, to see this incredible vast amount of pain, just complete pain surrounded by confusion. She doesn't have a clue as to what she's doing, I'm sure. Neither do I. "I love you, Gin, and bloody hell, seeing you all... vacant like that, it scared the hell out of me. It disgusted me, to see that someone could make you stop feeling, and stop being you." I tilt my forehead forward, and down to hers, "To see you stripped of what you are, it scared me, knowing that no one can do anything... do you know how many times a day I find myself imagining being in the same room with that twisted fuck, and it always ends up with him either dead or being tortured? And having to share you with him? Even if you are unwilling! It makes me bloody jealous! Sure, I wouldn't care if it were Blaise or Pansy you were off with, but some old bloke who's using you? Sorry, lass, but when it's me your coming back to every day, you're mine, and that's the way I'll be feeling for you from now on. So, forgive me for hollering all that shit. We all know it wasn't true, what I said earlier."

God, I hope this works. I'm spilling my bloody guts out here, in front of my father, no less!

**// Ginny's Point of View \\**

I close my eyes, absorbing the words he spoke; thinking of what to do; how to get everyone to just understand that I'm fine with taking pain from them. But they always seem to feel sorry. They just don't understand. Though no matter how ashamed I am for yelling at him, I manage to sink into him for comfort for my confusion. I cannot manage any more tears, nor can I manage to say how sorry I am. Though I repeat it, over and over in my mind.

"Ron and Hermione will be so worried." I say, not even knowing that I was concerned about that at the moment. He pulls back, and gives me a look that is most unbelievable.

"Miss Weasley, perhaps today was a lesson that you shouldn't worry so much?" Snape says, sounding as impatient as always, and quite flippant also.

"See how bloody outrageous you are, lass?" Steven asks, a slight bit of something that I can't quite determine. "I think I agree with my father, of all people. It's one hell of a big sign."

I notice someone come into view in the corner of my eye.

Hermione: brown hair, slicked back to perfection in a professional way that suits her well. She looks surprised to see me, which I am somewhat glad, because with her not expecting to see me here, then I'm sure that means that someone hasn't told her to come. The less people who know, the less people I hurt.

"Ginny, sweetheart... You haven't got sick again, have you?" She walks to me, intentionally not bothering to look at Steven. She lifts my chin and looks into my eyes. "What's wrong, are you okay? I was so worried after the first hour-- Oh Ginny, why have you been crying?"

She reminds me of my mother: always the worrier. It would break her heart so to hear of the truth. I hope Snape does not tell her, or anyone, for that matter. 

Oh how *he* would have pleasure, giving them all pain.

"You know how it is, when I get sick." My voice is cracked still and it hurts to speak, but I manage to smile for her, despite everything. 

"Miss Weasley," Snape say, pointedly, and then looks sharply to Hermione. "Miss Granger, go to Dumbledore. There is to be an Order meeting as soon as possible."

Hermione's eyes widen with fear, worry and confusion. She opens her mouth to speak, but Snape curtly interrupts her.

"Miss Granger, if you would please! It is of the up most importance!" Snape looked to Steven, and then to Hermione, who was hurrying away in the other direction. "Steven, go with her. I can not risk letting a student wander alone, least of all a female friend of Potter's."

Snape and I stood there, both watching Steven catch up to Hermione, and then both of them speed up the pace and go out of sight, around the corner.

I bit my lip as I waited, hoping that perhaps they'd come running back towards me, both smiling, with all worries behind them, forgotten. Why, why was Snape putting me through this? Does he think I want my family to be in danger?

Snape's sigh wakes me from my state, and I look up to him, slightly frowning. Dread is evident on his facial features. Am I a dread?

"Come along, Miss Weasley," Snape says wearily. I just notice that the year's of teaching here is catching up with him. There is bag's under his eyes, and his pale face seems to be more like a drained pale now.

**

I never quite liked Dumbledore's office, it always seemed creepy to me. But then again, the first time I was in here was when that odd snake was off about killing people... With me commanding it. Funny, I nearly forgot about that whole incident. All well, it would have been for the better, wouldn't it have? Too bad I remembered so soon.

"Ginny," It's Harry. "Ginny, are you paying attention?"

I snap my head towards him. Funny thing, I never noticed he was here, too. I noticed my mother, my father, four of my brothers, Hermione, Pansy, Blaise and Steven, but I never noticed Harry or Hermione. You'd think that they would be more noticeable, wouldn't you? In a room of red-head's and Slytherin's, you'd be sure to pick them out easily. He looks really concerned.

"Ginny this is important for us to know, sweetie." Lupin says, crouching down beside my seat. I blink. I must need my sight re-adjusted, because I never noticed him come either. Or Sirius, or Snape, Merlin the whole Order is here!

"Hmm?" I ask, not wanting to sound too idiotic.

I was expecting someone to mutter "Ugh!" at my incoherence, but the room was silent.

"Ginny you have to listen to us when we're speaking, all right?" Tonks said, in a weird sweet tone. Everyone was acting crazy, it seemed. They kept saying my name before every thing they said, what's up with that? I wonder if I'm just hearing things. Maybe. Harry heard things after destroying... him... so maybe I picked something up too. Perhaps there is something wrong with the thing that makes _his_ insanity contagious. Maybe I shouldn't answer. Everyone's looking at me. It's unnerving. I don't want them to think I'm positively mad, after all.

"We're going to ask you again, okay, Ginny?" Lupin said. His voice was rather calming, actually. "Was it Voldemort who raped you?"

I flinched at the words. His name and his actions. I began to shiver. I could lie. I could say no. I could say it was someone else.

"No." I say it without flinching, without giving the truth away.

This has confused everyone. They don't know what to say. Steven looks outraged.

"You are such an unbelievably good liar." Blaise says winking, and Pansy hits him, because he said it as a complement. He gives me a little thumbs up and mouths 'you're awesome Gin.'

"Miss Weasley," Snape says, a bit harsher than his previous tone.

"I'm being honest. You can put me under a spell, even. I'm not lying. It was not him." I try my hardest not to say 'him' without bitterness or hate. I succeed.

"Who was it?" Lupin asks.

It only takes me a moment to say the name. Who do I hate? Who does he hate? Who will they believe?

"Peteigrew."

"That little snivilly bastard... I knew it! I knew that rat was always running off to Ginny's room!" Ron growled. "I'm going to skin that bastard and... and... I don't know! But it'll be sooo bad."

"Oh shut up Ronald." Percy snapped, and then turned to me. "Honestly I find it unbelievable, Virginia." I flinch. He always calls me that. "After all not only is Peteigrew a coward, but he would never be able to overpower even a schoolgirl. Besides, why would he of all people rape you?" I flinch again. Percy never was sensitive. "No, I think you are either lying or being a foolish tramp. Only the Dark Lord or one of his highest ranking Death Eater's would do such a thing."

"Percy!" Nearly all the Weasley's snapped at him.

"How dare you talk to our sister like that, you great prat!" George growled, looking as if he could kill Percy.

But as they were yelling, I took all of what Percy had said in. It didn't fit. Percy never referred to him as a Dark Lord, nor did he ever take that much notice in the Dark Side, so how would he even know that he had high ranking officers? How would he even know that there were ranks? It all confused me, and then... then I starred at him as George and Fred were arguing with him, and as everyone else tried to make them shut up, I clued in. What I thought filled me with torment and fear.

He knew all along.

"What are you playing at?" I ask, faintly. Everyone stops arguing.

Percy looks to me, as does everyone else. I see something in his eyes then that no one else does. And seeing him, actually looking at him, I know what he is.

I stand up, without taking my eyes off of him. How could he? How could he betray me in such a way?

"You know, I used to have faith in people. I used to love all." I looked away from him; the sight was too hard to see for me. "But it's stripped from me, and you know what? _He was right all along_."

No one knew of what I was saying, no one except Percy and myself. So with that said, I left. I didn't ever want to look upon his face again.

___________

A/N: I didn't really have the Percy part in my plot until I wrote it… at the time it just seemed to be a good idea that went along with the story and gave it a twist. I love working with his character and this was the perfect opportunity. 

Only problem is… I don't know what I should do with the whole Ginny's relationship thing. Should she be alone in the end, with Steven, Blaise, Pansy, Snape, or someone else? There are so many choices…!

Oh, and btw, just so I don't confuse you all… sometimes when I upload to ff.net, it messes up the font, so it doesn't show the italics, and whenever she's talking about Voldemort it'll always be italicized (_he_)because it puts more of a bitterness to the association to any word that he could be, so yeah, I just wanted to clear that. Sometimes when things remind her of him she just talks about him, and she never says his name, so that's another reason why its italic… so it won't confuse you as much.

But anyways, tell me what you think of it! Review!

BTW Maggie (Farm): I want you to tell me what story you were talking about… I forget. And yeah, my writing is getting worse, isn't it? I guess it's because I took a year or so off from writing and I got rusty :-( that's shitty, cuz before I wasn't even that great hehehe

BIG thanks to…

Saz, Farm, Ami-Gryffindor89, Starchild13, Goth Elf, Goran, Feline, Elrohir Lover, and Faer… thank you all so much for reviewing! If you wouldn't have chances are I wouldn't have posted any more. 


	10. which turns so cold

Sunday, August 15, 2004

_-------------------------------_

_Underneath my Shivers_

_--_

_Ginny Weasley's Point of View (most of the time)_

_--_

_Chapter Ten:_

_------------------------------_

**Pansy's Point of View **

It shocked me, to hear the stillness in her voice. It was an odd stillness, as if the world itself was still and her words were just there. I didn't understand, not at first, as to what she was saying, but once she stepped out of the room I figured something was wrong. There was something she figured out just now and she left all of us out of it.

I was the first to look at her brother, Percy as they call him, and as soon as he realized I was looking at him it seemed as though he changed his expression to a confused one. The facial expression he had on before that though confused me. It was as if he was spiteful. Why would he be spiteful at his own little sister who has been tortured for nearly a year? Did he have no sympathy?

And then a thought came crashing into mind, and it struck me with such fear and force I nearly fainted dead.

"Oh my god." It was like when I found Ginny in the Potions Storage Closet. So much went through my head in such a little amount of time. First surprise, then fear, and last but most strongest, anger.

I withdrew my wand and pointed it at Percy.

"You sick _bastard!_" I yelled at him, and he frowned. "Show me your arm." Everyone is confused and scared, "Show me your bloody arm Weasley!" He does so, and I say an anti-concealing charm. Nothings there. I try the other one, and the outcome is the same.

"Now, Miss Parkinson, there is no need to be hasty. All of us are under a grave amount of stress, and stress sometimes leads us to do or say things that we do not mean to." Dumbledore spoke, but I didn't bother to pay anymore attention. I had to get out of this room of idiots.

As I began to walk out, I grabbed Blaise and Steven's sleeves and dragged them away.

**Ginny's Point of View **

I never been so confused in my life. I wanted to do so many things, so many things that were so opposite.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to be held by Steven, confronted by Ron, Fred or George, hugged by mom and dad, or march up to Percy and scream.

If I marched up to him, what would I do? Cry, scream, or just ask why and be comforting? He had to of done it for a reason, right?

There was even a part of me that wanted to call for _him_ and just talk. Like with Tom; like the old times. Maybe that's all he needs, just someone to talk to him. Maybe he'd stop. I never even thought of asking him to stop. Perhaps he could tell me why Percy is a Death Eater now. Perhaps he could tell me why he chose me.

Or perhaps I could just vent out all my anger.

Oddly enough, at the moment, I wanted to see _him_ and actually confront _him_; talk to _him_. Who did _he_ think _he_ was, being the leader of my brother?

I didn't know where to go as I walked away from the office. I wasn't even sure if I should walk away. Should I go up, down, left, right, or turn around?

I only have to stand my spinning thoughts for another second, because I hear people running to catch up to me. Steven, Blaise and Pansy.

"Wait up, Ginny," Pansy says, as she catches my robe in her fingers.

"I honestly can't talk anymore today, okay?" I say, not sure what else to really say, or how to say it. Just like everything else. I wonder if I began to think of up and down, if the world would flip without myself noticing? Who knows, but all I know it what I don't know. I want to talk, I want to confront it all, yet I want to hide, just run forever.

And at that thought, I know what I want to do. I want to feel the air surrounding me, the wind whipping past me, the rain falling upon me. I never thought of suicide, not until this thought. It would be beautiful, just to feel what it felt like to fall forever physically; to feel the air rushing past me.

I walk without caring if they were following or not, and I walk to the doors to outside.

**Blaise's Point of View **

It never took a genius to see what her brother was; everyone that was part of the Order knew it, I'm sure. If they didn't, then there should be some serious contemplating on getting new members of the Order and sack the others.

It surprised me slightly to see her reaction; or lack of. I thought she would have acted like Pansy, or somewhat anyways. Perhaps a bit more brutally; nailing him with a curse, perhaps; maybe even stunning him then beat the shit out of him. But to see her just walk away, without even a word to the others that gave him away? I wasn't sure if I should admire her for having so much mental strength for such a little thing, or be disappointed for not beating the snot out of her rat brother.

Seeing her like this was rather unnerving, and I don't quite know why. For some odd reason, I feel connected to her, as absurd as it seems. Who would have thought, a Weasley of all things coming into our little clique and turning it amuck?

She's at the outside door's and I don't know why, but I feel like something bad is going to happen. I wouldn't blame her entirely if she were to do something drastic; the lass has been through hell, and Snape's little tattle-trip didn't help her much, not to mention her brothers revelation. Yeah, I think if anyone had a reason to off their self, it'd be her. It never really struck me that she'd be the type to do it, though.

Pansy, Steven and I are standing still, watching her go out the doors. I raise my eyebrows ever so slightly at the two.

"We aren't going after her?" I ask, expecting an exasperated sigh from them or something of the sort. I find my prediction to come true as Pansy sighs and shakes her head.

"Pestering her won't do much good, so no. I don't believe it'd be a bright idea." Pansy is beginning to sound like Potter's friend... and I don't mean the smart one. It strikes me as funny, because honestly, she was always one to show her intelligence, not her idiocy.

"Are you two daft?" I ask, shaking my head at their blindness. Pansy and Steven look to me, like _I'm_ the daft one.

"She needs time to think through things and--"

"Oh bloody hell, Pansy, tell me truthfully that you have never walked away from Steven and I when you wanted nothing more for us to chase after you and comfort you!"

She doesn't look impressed that I'm showing her up.

"Since when did _you_ become a chick, _Blaise?_" Pansy retorts. I roll my eyes at her; how can she think she's being smart?

"Shut up, both of you." Steven says, and looks to me. "I think you're right, Blaise." He looks to Pansy, giving her nearly an apologetic look for betraying her. I can't help but show my smugness. She should have _known_ that I'd be right. I always am. "Only thing is, I don't know if we're the right people to come after her. Maybe she wants one of her brothers to, or something?"

I inhale a sharp breath. They're idiots, I swear.

"Screw it," I say, and leaving them behind, I walk away to catch up to the little Weasley, who's already outside.

"Don't you even think of it, Zabini," I hear someone come from behind me. Steven's father; great. "You seem to bring about the fire in that little Weasley. We wouldn't want another one of her displays, now would we?"

I come close to objecting to him, after all, it was rather amusing to see the look on everyone's faces, and it was rather fun to watch her yell at Steven...

"_Don't_ even try to answer that," Snape says, as if he could read my thoughts. Perhaps he thought of it amusing too? "I'm going to talk to her--" I open my mouth to say something, but he immediately raises his hand to shut me up, "Don't bother objecting, Zabini. I know more of what she is going through than any of you think. I believe it would be a wise thing for me to reach an understanding with the girl."

He does have a point, come to think of it, though I don't know why he's explaining it. It doesn't seem like a Snape thing to do.

I guess today's just fucked right up.

**Severus's Point of View **

The sight of her sitting on a big, flat rock, as if nothing at all was wrong frightened me more than if she would've had a knife to her throat. It was sickening, to see that there was someone like me, so close too. I don't know if it's just a small world, or if there are millions of souls like this in the world.

"You're a brave young woman, Miss Weasley." I said, unsure of what to call her; a girl? Ginny? a woman? She acted as though she were nothing, so how could one put a name to her?

**Ginny's Point of View **

I feel a frown come to my face at his words. Flattery doesn't become of the potions master. He will always be in my mind as a critical nitpick, never a _false _flatterer.

I don't speak, but oddly enough, I feel a certain need to. I never felt this way before, not towards Professor Snape, but I wanted to connect with him, or rather, I felt like I _already_ connected with him.

"You never have spoke of him, have you?" Snape asks this as he leans against the rather huge rock that I'm sitting on. I look down to the ground, watching the wind push around the grass.

How could I speak of _him_? What would be the point, other than to inflict fear upon everyone? It's better if I just keep silent.

"It doesn't matter if I have or I haven't, Professor. What is spoken is only words, so why is it so important to speak when you can easily just think, without having to let the words reach someone else's ears?"

I look to his eyes, and they are looking down as mine were earlier. He looks so thoughtful, its hard to believe that it is Professor Snape, who never needs time to think, because he_ just knows everything_.

"You and I... we aren't much different." He says, and I frown at the thought. "Although however hard to believe, Miss Weasley, I was once in your place. Not exactly where you are, but the similarities of our lives is rather hard to believe."

"How? How are we the same? I can't see anything that's similar..." I hear the words slip out of my mouth before I mean to say them.

He sighs deeply.

"When I was young, I wanted nothing more than consolation. Since I could remember, no one cared to hear what I had to say; I thought that at Hogwarts it would be different, that I would find friends and they would listen. That never came to happen. It made me cold and angry, to see all these ignorant people. Then one day, as if it were a calling, I met Lucius Malfoy, and he told me of the great things his Master had planned, and how, if we became large enough, we could make everyone listen and do what we wanted them to do, and he told me in time it was going to come, that our chance was here to make a difference in this _evil_ world... to do _good _for the Wizarding World." Snape had a bittersweet look upon him as he spoke, "I knew it was all shit, what he spoke of. I knew he was lying, but it intrigued me, none the less. I wished so much for someone to hear me and see me for who I really was, I got so washed up in it, I forgot my morals; I was stripped from my morals and feelings. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore... Since I came from a 'low rank wizarding family', as they say, I was not an average Death Eater. They had to 'train' me..." He looks to me. I mean really _looks_, right into my eyes, in a startling _knowing_ way. It was as if words couldn't explain the torment that both of us went through. He continues, even though now he doesn't need to... I know it all, oddly. But he continues, this being something he has been needing to get out for so long. "After the first week I wanted out... it was so painful, to kill, to rape, to obey. I knew I wasn't like any of the others. I didn't _like_ it, not like they did. But after a while, I just stopped caring." The words were weighing me down so hard, I had a sudden urge to just hug him and say stop, its okay, but I knew too that he needed it out... he needed it as much as I did. "I stopped feeling, and when that happened, they welcomed me into a new sort of terror... they held respect for me. They held respect for simple little nothings who broke before them; that is what they are made of, Miss Weasley. Broken souls, seeking nothing but childish desire of importance." He lifted his hand up to my chin, and surprisingly his touch did not startle me. "He was making you one of his, Miss Weasley. I seen it before me, without noticing it, as blind as I was. But now I see, that you were being broken."

_I am broken._ I whispered in my mind.

"You will never have to speak of what you have been through, Miss Weasley, but none the less, isn't it like a hole in your heart keeping it secret?"

I closed my eyes and turned my head from his hand.

"May I ask you a question, Miss Weasley?" Silence. Why speak? There was no consolation knowing that someone else has been through the same. It just taught me how the world has no justice. How could this happen, not only to one or two people, but to everyone? Surely there were more? Surely there _are_ more... "What did you mean, when you said that he was right?"

There's still silence. I don't want to talk anymore. It's like slicing my chest open and leaving my heart out into the oxygen, the sudden rush of air meeting life... sharp and painful. That is how it feels to speak.

I heard him stand up, and begin to walk.

Suddenly the thought of being alone, all alone in the big world, with everyone pushed away is too frightening. How could I push away the one person who truly understood?

"He told me that he would break me." I whispered, and my words must just reach his ears, for he turned around as I spoke them. "He promised me, that one day he would have me to himself, and he described how it would feel."

Snape looked to me, a fiery look in his eyes. He looked as if he knew that I needed it out, that if I spoke it wouldn't feel like this terror anymore. I knew he was wrong, and I'm sure, he did too.

"_Yes? _Ginny, what was it? _What did he say?"_

I bite my lip, never wanting to quote him, yet having the urge to say it all.

"When your heart feels void, and there's nothing left to live for. When the world seems so foreign, you can feel everyone's sickness in your body, urging you to throw it all up, leaving a tugging feeling in your throat, wishing so much to just fall forever into a world of solace. When the slice of a wrist is so much more incomplete than usual, and the sight of food is no more comforting than the worlds sickness. When the thought of turning to a friend is more pain than keeping it all inside, tearing apart your inner-self. You'll know you're mine when you see that the lives of others no longer have importance, that they are merely pawns being played by something that will always be unseen and unheard--something who has shame in the world so, you never have the honor of seeing. You'll be ready when you wish for nothing more than to stop being you, and stop seeing them... the day you will be mine forever will be when you want to see me."

I shudder as I remember his words and his breath against my skin. My body is so cold, I can feel my skin is tingling with coldness, yet it is just a typical spring day, I feel a sudden urge to shiver and never stop. There was more, oh so much more, but I had no intention of speaking it all. It scared me into denial.

I close my eyes, and unexpectedly I feel his hand on my face. It is cold too. I look to him, now opening my eyes.

"You are _never _going to be his." Snape said, _"Never will that day come_. I would die, Miss Weasley, before that day would come."

I shake my head and feel a tear slide down my face.

"Sir, I don't want you to die. You're the only one... the only one who knows."

Not so unsuspected, yet still slightly surprising, he moves his hand to the back of my head and comforts me in an embrace. It felt so right, oddly enough, it fit like two puzzle pieces, yet it was so surprising it was the tap to my tears.

I returned the embrace as we stand here together. I never want to let go. I feel so protected, I never thought that I'd feel like this, least of all today.

Other students are passing by, but I don't care. I don't care about anyone's horrid opinions'. It breaks my heart to know that I feel that way.

"Come, Ginny," Snape says, my name sounding foreign coming from him. "I'm sure at the moment you want nothing other than to sleep."

We separate from the embrace, and I suddenly feel everything back to me again. It was odd, he was like a shield, protecting me from everything. I nod at his words. Merlin, I feel like nothing other than crashing on my bed and sleeping forever now that I'm out and insecure to the world again. If only one day I could just wake up with a cleared mind, with no past or no worries of the future.

Snape and I walk back to the school, and as we reach the doors I let the thought of asking him to stay with me until I fall asleep float around my mind until discarding it.

--------------------------

A/N: Hey! It's been longer than I thought it would to update. All well, I have plenty wrote. I'm sort of stuck in a few parts in some of the future chapters, but I'm sure it'll be cleared up soon... especially with some feedback from you guys .... hint hint

Okay, so I may update this weekend again, hopefully. But cha know you gotta remind me hint hint

**_Dez Dravin:_ **Yay I think you're the first person who actually replied to my question hehe... Yeah, the more I get writing Steven and Gin, the more I'm getting attached to the couple. But I do sort of side with you on the Sev thing... who couldn't love 'em? I hope you liked this chapter... I got a lotta Sev in it, or at least towards the end.

**_Loverofbothsexes:_ **Glad you like my lil twist!

_**Jay:**_Hmm... I just gotta ask you this... but are you a guy? Cuz your name... I don't know, just wondering because I never had a guy reader (that I know of) and I'd be flattered. I haven't come across many guys on .... Hmm... that's weird, huh? But thanks for reviewing anywho, guy or gurl!

**_SlytherinsQueen: _**Yeah it is sorta confusing... I don't notice it when I'm writing as much, so if it does get confusing to the point where its hard to tell whats what, tell me to put some sense into me

**_angelraven: _**thanks for reviewing! One question... whats gcses? Hehe sorry I'm dumb and curious...

**_Kyokitty: _**I'm glad you like it. Sorry about the grammar errors though... I'm just starting to re-learn how to write good again after retiring for over a year hehe... but yeah, feel free to point out any errors or anything. To tell you the truth... I have no idea when or how I came up with this story. I guess I was just really cold, and when I'm cold I tend to think weird things hehe... that's the reason it begins with Ginny thinking of how cold it is I guess. I don't know, I'm weird that way hehe

**_Faer: _**oops I guess I was wrong, _you_ are probably the first person to have answered my coupling question... unless I find another review. I know I read all these reviews before, but it's so hard to keep track. But anyways, I'm glad you like the Percy thing. I thought it was a bit over-done in Weasley fics, but all well, people always seem to see it come as a surprise hehe that's what I love about it. Percy seems cute evil, too...well in my mind anyways. I just gotta say, I LOVED your review so much, I think I dedicate this chapter to you and **_Dez_**. You two encouraged me to post this one, and to be honest, I still want to post more up for you guys but it is getting late (past 3 in the morning) and I have to be up early...

So thank you all for reviewing (even to those of you who I couldn't get around to commenting back) and I hope I'll post more soon!

ttyl


	11. even against the warmth

Thursday, November 11, 2004

-------------------------------

Underneath my Shivers

--

Ginny Weasley's Point of View (most of the time)

--

When safety forms…it must dissolve, due to inquirers…

Then comes a dark light that shines so bright and it shall shine all night…

But soon it will fade into a frightening sight that reveals some truth which turns so cold even against the warmth…

**--**

__

**Chapter Eleven: Even against the warmth**

**------------------------------**

I sort of regret not asking Snape to stay. I can't exactly place why I wish it so for him to be here, but I'm guessing it's either because he's one of the only ones who can actually comfort me or maybe it's because he's so much like Steven. I know that Steven wouldn't be able to come close to me, now that my brothers are here, so maybe that's why the thought of Snape seems so warm.

I'm lying in my bed right now with my eyes closed, even though I am awake. I'm too afraid of the light that'll rush to my sight when I open my eyes. Besides, I rather like just relaxing here.

"She's not sleeping." I keep my eyes closed when I hear the voice. I honestly hope it isn't who I think it sounds like.

"Shut up Percy! You woke her up." No one other than the twins would snap back at Percy like that. I smile in my fake-slumber and crack an eye open to see Fred, George, and of course, Percy.

"She _wasn't even _sleeping." The irritable voice retorts. I groan aloud without really meaning to. I toss in the bed, wrapping my blanket over my head.

"I think we should be quiet so she can sleep..."

"Oh shut up George. She's been sleeping for nearly ten hours. We can't just let her pout all day. She does have classes, you know."

At that I jump up out of bed.

"Ten hours? _Ten-blinking-hours?!?_" I don't even know if I pronounced each of the words right or not, but I don't care... I'm three hours late for class!! I rush to my clothes drawers and grab the first things I see then go to the washroom. I don't even bother with a shower before I get dressed. Before I leave the washroom I brush my teeth and rinse my face. I don't even let the thought of Percy being out there cross my mind for more than a second. It just hurts too much.

"Ginny! Calm bloody-well down." George laughs at me as I run past him, gathering my books and timetable. It's expected for the twins to take such things lightly, especially when it's not them who's late for Defense Against the Dark Arts. I don't bother to allow myself take his advice, so I go out the door and down the stairs.

"Miss--" Professor Frindell, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, frowns down at me. He sighs, _"--Weasley..._ what is your explanation?"

I look up to him, embarrassed to say at first.

"Er... I slept in." I say, sliding into the nearest un-occupied seat I seen.

He continues with the lesson, not bothering to look at me once more. Ten minutes later, there is a knock at the classroom door.

The professor looks to the door, then at me.

"Miss Weasley, are you keen on having interruptions in my class?" He asks, and I feel nearly the whole classes eyes on me.

At the door my three brothers: Percy, Fred, and George are waiting.

"I assume they're relatives of yours?" He asks. He doesn't like me; why should he? I've made nothing other than trouble for him. I flush at his accusing look and nod. He opens the door with a quick, wordless spell from where he is standing at the front of the classroom. "Yes?"

"We're here to excuse our sister on an important matter." Percy says sophisticatedly. I glare at him.

"Oh?" The professor smiles. I never seen him do that before. "And what might this matter be?"

"It's none of your business there, mate." George says, "Strictly private. Dumbledore's orders."

"Dumbledore's? My, my," the professor turns to me and gives me an open-mouthed smile that reveals his rotted teeth. "Well then, do get a move on. Get up and get out." I try not to shiver as I pass by him. There's something not right about that smile.

I exit the room with my books in hand, not bothering to look behind me. I know that there's someone following me. I know that I've been discussed between Dumbledore and my parents and that is why I have body guards now. I wonder if I'll ever get a moment of privacy.

"Wait! Where are you going?" Fred asks, jogging so he's right beside me. I continue walking as I was, at a fast pace.

"Er...." I paused my thoughts. I wonder how they'd react if I said that I had a boyfriend? It took me half a minute to think about it before I decided that it was probably best not to tell them. It's not like they'd know if we were going out or we were just friends, right? "To see a few friends, I guess."

"It's nearly 11:15, Gin. They'd be in class for another twenty minutes." Fred says, placing his arm around my shoulder and giving me a little shake, "What, is my ickle Gin getting too _cool_ to hang with her big brothers?"

I smile slowly.

"Can we ditch Perce, like the we used to?" I ask quietly, unsure how far behind us Percy and George are. Just milliseconds after he nods him and I sprint towards the closest outside doors, which isn't too close.

:::---:::

Both of us were exhausted from the long run, so we decided to hang out in the Owlery. It used to be where Fred, George and I used to brainstorm for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes items… until mom found out. Then we had to go hide out in the kitchen because of all the owls. Somehow she got them to spot us out and peck at our heads until we left.

We take a moment to catch our breath as we take a seat on the benches. I don't notice that it's really silent until I look to Fred. He's looking down at the ground..

"Ginny... I..." He sighs as he looks to me. "God Ginny, you're so sweet."

I look to him in fear. Why is he so sad? My mind fills full of sorrow, thinking that it's my fault that he's like this. Before I can think to say anything I see a tear drizzle down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away, but another one falls, then there's so many falling down he doesn't bother.

"I'm so sorry!" I say, and move across to his bench. "Freddie, don't cry, please. Everything is okay. Please, Freddie, don't worry!" I hug him and softly apologize again.

"Don't apologize, Ginny! _Never _apologize! You've done nothing other than good. Can't you see?" He sniffles and strokes my hair. "I swear, Ginny, if I would have known... I swear... I would die before he took you." He places his hands just under my ears, just at my neck, and brings my head closer to him so he can kiss my forehead brotherly. "You're so precious, my dear baby sister. How dare he try to steal you!"

"No, no Freddie," I whisper, gingerly wiping his tears away, "He hasn't stole me. I'm still here. I'm right here, Freddie." I'm eager to try to comfort him. How do I? I don't know how to comfort myself, how can I comfort him? Is there even such a thing as comfort?

He sniffles with a little half-hearted laugh.

"You're so good, Ginny." He stands up, wiping his face again.

:::---:::

The rest of the day stood still until now. My thoughts are still revolving around my heartbroken brother. I never seen him like that, which is sort of scary to think about. I never knew I could have that much of an effect on him.

After he had shed his tears and told me of his feelings towards _him_ we stayed in the Owlery for a while, huddled up close to comfort each other and then we went to the common room where Ron, Harry and Hermione were. They seemed hesitant to talk to me, the reason why is unknown to me.

So here I am, sitting on my bed with a warm cup of hot coco as I am reviewing my homework that one of the girls picked up for me from all my professors. I'm not sure if everyone knows why I am not going to my classes today. I don't like to think about it.

"Where is she?" I hear Hermione sigh in the other room.

"Shh! She's in there." Ron says, not much quieter than Hermione.

"Ron if she heard Hermione she could hear you too." Harry sighed, a bit quieter. I was straining to hear by this point. They were talking about me, so didn't I have a right to hear?

"I feel so horrible!" Hermione said, nearly in a whisper. "How could we allow this to happen? How could we let him slip through our fingers and commit such horrible crimes!" I think she was close to crying now.

Ron was saying something, but I don't know what. He was mumbling quietly. I heard some words clearly, but not enough that I could form a sentence out of.

"He's saying how horrible I am and how he wants to capture me and torture me until I cry for Lucius Malfoy to come and save me again." _He_ whispers to me. I feel shivers all over my body. How did _he_ get here? Inaccurate question, what I mean is how do the others not notice?

I let a little moan of fear squeak out of me before I can stop myself.

"Ah, ah, ah, ah." _He_ hums, wagging his finger as if I've been bad. "Mustn't let them know who's visiting." Without even seeing a movement _he _is right in front of me rather than beside me. _He_'s on my bed before me on all fours. It seems strange for _him _to be in this position but nonetheless it is terrifying just as any other pose _he_ could take.

I'm so scared, I don't know how to react. _He_ moves my books aside and takes an intimidating movement closer to me. I fall back onto the bed, knowing that _he_'d just push me eventually anyways.

"Please, please," I disobey the usual rules and plead to _him_. "Not here. Not here, please ma… mass… master. My brother--"

"Your brother is ranting. Can you not hear him?" He tosses the excuse aside, though I'm not even sure if he would care or stop if Ron, Harry and Hermione _could_ hear over Ron's ranting. "Such beauty your fear is, my love. I rather enjoy seeing you plead." _He_ kisses my neck and I groan in horror. No, no, no! Please, not here! "But nonetheless you will be punished for not following the rules. My, what a naughty little girl you have been while I was away!"

I don't want to cry, for fear of them hearing, but I can not help it! I begin to quietly cry as _he_ takes my sweat pants off.

Do I want them to walk in and rescue me or do I want them to stay away and spare me the shame?

Oh Merlin why must such pain be subjected?

He begins without anything said. I am guessing _he_ is being so gentle (gentle for _him _that is) and careful because _he _does not want them to interrupt.

begins without anything said. I am guessing is being so gentle (gentle for that is) and careful because does not want them to interrupt. 

I lay limp on the bed and focus on the trickling of my tears and I remember a boy I knew, a long time ago.

"Tom." I say breathlessly. "Tom, Tom where are you?" I am crying, though I am unsure if it is in my head or if it is aloud.

His hands are gripping my hips in a way that I'm sure will leave bruises.

I don't know why I was saying that. I just felt him here. I know that he's not Tom. We both know that… but he couldn't have just disappeared…

He is gripping my hips so tightly as I think that it makes me yelp.

"Stop it!" _He_ growls but I don't think it was directed towards me. _He'_s acting unlike _himself_. It's as if _he's _emotional or in a tug-a-war.

His hands travel up my body, making me squirm, and they rest just under my armpits, still squeezing me painfully. _He_ lowers _his_ torso to my body and _he_ brings _his_ face to my necks flesh. _He_ kisses me, which was surprising and horrifying.

hands travel up my body, making me squirm, and they rest just under my armpits, still squeezing me painfully. lowers torso to my body and brings face to my necks flesh. kisses me, which was surprising and horrifying. 

"Virginia, my sweet…" He purrs, "You were training yourself so well. Why did you stop?" He looks to me; the look he is giving me is one a scolding professor would give to a first year. "Now now, my sweet love, you aren't going to disobey me again, are you?" He pushes into me with so much force all the feeling between my legs are numb because of the amount of pain and surprise. I yet out another yelp, this time without even knowing until…

"Ginny?" Someone is knocking on the door. "Ginny?" My name is being called again and again, which angers _him._

"You're lucky I have no time to fulfill your punishment, love." He hisses as he exits me and stands up. "You will be seeing me very soon." He threatens, then disappears in thin air.

I quickly slide my pants up and throw my bed sheets under my bed, wiping my tears away as I tidy up quickly.

:::---:::

I don't even bother with Percy's questions. He was the one who suggested that Hermione, Ron and Harry should check up on me.

He knew what was happening to me in the room and he wanted them to come in which confused me.

Was _his_ plan to cause pain to my family in such a way; did _he _want to be caught? To brag? To let them know that they can not do anything? I don't understand.

Percy is questioning me: Why is your bed a mess? Why is your face red? Why are your eyes bloodshot? Have you been crying? What was that noise? Virginia you must tell us, or…

"Harry can you walk me to the library?" I say, interrupting Percy in mid-sentence. Ron, Hermione and Percy all look to Harry and Harry looks to me.

"Er… sure." He looks to Ron, and his eyes dart down to the ground. I know Percy is just dying to snap a comment, and I know that Ron is dying to say that he wants to come too, but everyone knows that this is the only way that doesn't pressure me.

I walk out of the common room, hoping Harry is following… alone.

As we descend down the hallway I feel this urge to just go limp and cry. But I don't.

"Er… Ginny?" Harry says, which causes me to realize that I am walking at a speedy pace. I slow down to a complete stop and look to him. I know there's something that must be said, but what? "If there's something you want to--"

I shake my head and put a hand up to silence his words.

"Harry, I am sorry for what you heard that day. I didn't mean any of it." I bite my lip and look down. "I hate to treat you as the newspapers do. I don't expect you to always be the hero." Why is it that what I'm trying to say is so hard? What _am_ I trying to say? "Harry there are some things that you can't fix and you can't help, all you can do is wish that it'll go away. There's some things that you can't win."

The look he is giving me is one of anger and annoyance.

"Ginny I will do everything to make him s--"

"No." I say, not wanting to hear any of it. I don't ever want to get my hopes up. "I thought you'd understand, you know? Since you know him somewhat, I thought that you'd understand that there are just some things that are unbeatable."

"You're dignity is worth a fight." He snaps and without meaning to I step back.

I look down to my tattered shoes.

"My dignity _is_ lost if that's what the fight will be for, Harry." I say and continue to walk. Where am I walking to? I don't know. I want to run to Steven and hide beneath his comforting grasp. I want to burry my head in his shoulder and never look at the surrounding world again.

He comes to my side as I walk.

"It's not a losing battle. I'll show you, Ginny. I'll show you that what he has done is vile; all evil must come to an end. There is light, Ginny. There is good in the world."

I laugh.

"Harry, life is wonderful. Of course there is good. I never doubted it. Goodness is surrounding, look around!" I attempt to smile, but it falters slightly. So I am in pain still, that doesn't mean that I don't believe what I said, it just means that I am human. I want to say so much more to him--oh, so much more; but instead I just take a breath and continue thinking.

"The way you're acting… it's as if you're protecting him." He says, rather hesitantly. We both know it's not true… I think.

I pause my walking and then reassure myself that he knows that it's not true so I continue.

I laugh, in a faltered and snubbed way.

"I shouldn't even waste my breath. You know who I'm protecting, and it sure the heck isn't him." I say. I see him nod out of the corner of my eye.

"I know, Ginny. But…" He grabs my arm gently to make me stop again. It's like a dance; we proceed, pause, proceed and then pause again and do it over and over. He just looks at me, probably wondering what to say or how to say what he wants to. "Er… Do you remember Tom?"

The question startles me and it brings a sudden rush of shame and regret. I feel the tears coming to my eyes and I try desperately to push them back inside.

"Harry--"

"_Ginny_," He says, nearly scolding. I sigh.

"Yes. I remember him and I know what you're getting at. I am not being 'easy' on _him_ because I believe _he_'s Tom. Tom is dead. Who knows, maybe there was never a Tom." I shrug, and I am overly aware of the stinging tears. I sniffle. "There is not one bit of human left in him, if there ever was in the first place." I can't hold it in any more. The tears are sliding. "B -- B -- But Harry I swear… I swear I can handle _him_." I'm choking on my tears. Harry comes closer and embraces me, bringing comforting warmth to my body. He's soothingly making soothing noises, telling me it's okay, not my fault, et cetera, et cetera.

I feel like I can fall asleep right here right now, in his arms. With the exhaustion from the conversation, the crying and the "visit", I feel as though I could have the most sound sleep in the world.

And so that's what I do.

**---------**

**A/N:**

**Wow it's been a while since I updated, eh? Sorry about that, I meant to and I would have if I wouldn't have had writers block. Man, you guys shouldda seen all the stuff I had wrote down then I changed... haha if I wouldda decided to post my first or second or third try's I wouldda been ruined and you guys would've never read another one of my posts hehehehe yep it was that bad. I hope this isnt as bad as the first three... eeek. REVIEW! teehee. Oh yah and add to your msn list if you have msn or even email me... I'm so lonely and bored lol**

**angelraven: Ooooh that sounds like it sucks. I hate exams… they're scary…**

**Loverofbothsexes5102: Well he could have the mark somewhere else… or he could even be messin with Gin's head and he could be an innocent rather than a Death Eater… who knows. Teehee naww I just like messin with ppl's heads lol yah it'll say in later chapters where his mark is (if there is one…)**

**brokentoy19: Awww thank you I was starting to doubt my writing skills but I'm glad to see that it's not as bad as I'm making myself believe hehehe… Yah I think a Sev/Gin story would be adorable! Aww it makes me feel all bubbly just thinking about it lol**

**silentchill13: Awesome it's worth a jaw drop… now that is cool. Lol I don't think I ever got a jaw-dropping review before.. Hehe thank you very much!**

**HedwigSasso: Aww it made you cry? Wow I never thought it was that chilling to make someone cry… but then again sometimes when I read it I start to shiver… hmm… my writing scares me sometimes hehe. I'm so glad you reviewed and said that, but don't get the wrong impression lol I don't usually get happy when I hear someone cried but when it's about a story/ff it's okay lol**

**Susire: Thank you soo much for reviewing! I think I would have kept stalling and putting this story aside if you wouldn't have said what you did. I'm so glad that you like the characters… teehee I'm falling for Blaise and he's a made-up character waaah lol jk… But yeah, I really liked your review hehe it made me stop shivering (cuz I was soooo cold when I was reading it… I hate early winters…) and not much can stop me from shivering lol… You know what I'm surprised that there isn't more gothic characters on too… then again I never read much anymore on but you'd think that there would be a ton of gothic characters. Weird.**

**Well anyways readers I better get going cuz now that I'm in a writing mood I wanna get as much stuff down as possible. Long weekend so I might post more if I write more and if theres some reviews hehe… naww I'll post even if there is no reviews, just cuz I luv yah all so much teehee**


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